Archive for July, 2008

Sticky: DO NOT GIVE IN – IT'S NOT WORTH IT! (even if Temptation is built like Adonis and wears a uniform) — check.

Step One: Find a good, fun, cute, single friend (emphasis on FUN and CUTE) — check.
Step Two: Do not play gobetween – it's bad for you — delayed. check.
Step Three: Give the Temptations details to Step One Girl. — check.
Step Four: Give Step One Girl's details to the Temptation. — check.
Step Five: Hope for the best. — check….
Step Six: Metaphorically kiss goodbye to the Temptation, and sit back and enjoy the relief of being utterly faithful! — check.
Step Seven: Love the boy even more than you thought possible. — check.

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he really is…

how did i get so lucky?

not even going to go into why.

he just is.

i am the luckiest woman in the world. and i can't wait to get there with him.

now i just need those contracts.

money money money.
buckets of it.

pronto pronto

it's going to be good.

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wow. for once my instincts were right. something _was_ wrong.
it just wasn't what i was expecting.

it still confuses me though.

he called me at 5am, asked me to get online, he really needed to talk to me.

i thought "uh oh"

and yeah.  it was _something_ . thankfully it wasn't the OTHER two somethings though.

i'm still digesting it. processing it.

he is sleeping on it.

i'm glad i waited. and didn't overreact.

i'm still pretty empty though. it was kind of confusing.
maybe he will be clearer in the morning.

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i really must stop
stop the train of thought at the station. before it makes me nuts. picks up steam.

ever since. EVER since. that.
he's shown no interest in me. none. like i've ceased to be attractive, and now i'm just the "buddy".. the tech support actually… that's all he's spoken to me about…  help on the computer.

i'm going crazy here, and he's … cool and calm and totally chilled.
doesn't want to see me online. doesn't talk about how he misses me. doesn't _need_ me. doesn't want me.

just doesn't want me. no interest whatsoever.

and. it's either THAT. the reveal. the revelation. about the way i look without it.

oh god that "or"…

please not that.

actually. i don't know. maybe that would be easier to deal with.

that other option.

if it really is THAT, the discovery, then i'm screwed. because there is nothing to do to take that out of the loop. out of the process.
i warned him. i told him it was going to be Instant Turn-Off.
but no, he wanted to see. the scars. my wounds.
i should have said no. no because i didn't want him to see.
he asked if it hurt and i said "only my pride".
but now. now it hurts. now he's revolted too. like everyone else.
i feel like i've taken 20 steps backwards.
the joy i felt, how beautiful i felt, it's all gone.
crushed under that "oh wow. ouch. i didn't realise it was that bad"


oh god.

so if it's that? what can i do?
nothing. i guess.
he'll go to germany and find a beautiful, perfect, WHOLE, woman. with an accent. maybe not someone as old as me too. probably.
and i'll be lost. forgotten.
and i don't think there's any coming back from that kind of hurt, for me. i'm too old now. used. broken.

and if it's the OTHER thing?
if he's just finally given in and done it?
will he tell me?
must i just wait? and get more grey and lifeless while i wait?
because that's how i feel now. lifeless.
like a tatty rag. used to be white and clean. now i'm dull and grey and dirty.
WILL he tell me if he has?

will it make it easier if he does?

and yes, i could be completely wrong. about all of this. both options. BUT. i can't even blame hormones. because it's not that.
i just have a sick feeling, in my stomach.
i don't know which is worse.
i really don't.

i'm trying desperately to have faith. trust. because i do trust him. i love him so much i can't see myself sometimes. like i'm covered by it and i can't reason, can't think straight.

i'm hoping this is just stupid girly paranoia.
i really am hoping.

but i am NOT going to say anything, or act like anything is wrong. just carry on regardless.

he'll speak to me in his own good time.

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to brush your hair, girl.

to brush your teeth.

getting out of bed is also a good idea.

places to go. people to shoot.

it's like i've lost all my energy.

i have nothing left.

and i haven't DONE anything that required effort.
it's been a long slow weekend… nothing but walks in the forest with the dogs, and watching the rain come down while watching movies…
what could be more relaxing?

what has drained me like this?

i need to go walk MY dogs. my beloved little mutts.
it's a beautiful day out there.

but i'm still here, inside. in my jammies.

something has broken in me. but i don't know what.

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ok i love the boy.
there is no other for me.

very simple.
and yes, i think he is the hottest thing since lavaflow. and he makes my stomach flip and my knees weak. yes – he still does. in fact, it's even worse than ever before. so much worse.

that's the thing.
i am so … um… _frustrated_ … *nudge nudge* because i want him SO bad… that i am being tempted, when i shouldn't be… i wouldn't normally be…
i made a promise to him – one i will keep, no matter what, seriously, even if it kills me – but i have to say i have been sorely tempted… it's horrible. not a nice feeling. i've done nothing (i swear on my life)… but damn it's there…. hovering…
tummy-twisting temptation…
in the form of a cowboy marine with a gorgeous body, and a slow cowboy accent… with marine manners…

but i made a promise. and i keep my promises. 
the cowboy KNOWS  – he is "respectful" of my "situation", he says… but that doesn't mean he's not making it difficult for me.

and now… when the boy is… having some of his other-side-of-the-coin days… where he doesn't really feel like talking to me… it's even worse.

and if someone says "he'll never know" .. i will hurt them. _I_ will know. and that's all that matters.

because i made a promise. and i keep them. and the boy is worth so much more than that.


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On Saturday night i got to get all dressed up and go to a party with Dean and his wife and their friends – a crazy bunch, but SUCH NICE PEOPLE!

It was the Angels&Demons party at a club called DecaDance – all alternative and heavy stuff… music was AWESOME!!! It was like the Playground… but without the sticky floor and dark corners…
It's an old biscuit mill, with big soft chairs (from an abandoned movie theatre) and nice padded walls… dancefloor is a little small… which was _difficult_ with the wings i had on, to say the least!
I poked a number of people in the eye, and managed to get myself tangled with angel halos and various people's hair!

but my wings were definitely the hit of the evening (thanks sam! and thanks for the AMAZING makeup!) and i stood out from all the other demons (and, quite obviously, the angels)

I had a blast… it was so nice to get out – i haven't been to a club in … must be 10 years now… since the playground closed down, and Lloyds… it's been a _long_ time, to say the least…

thanks to Dean, for inviting me, and always checking on me, making sure i was ok (he knows i'm not good in crowds, or with too many people touching me… )

i got to drive his SUPER sexy car home (i stayed at their place for the night.. morning… since we got home at 6:30am!!) because i was sober (i had 4 jagercrackers – a MINI version of the bomb, especially for me – but spaced out over the entire evening.. so i was fine) and WOW what a CAR!!!!
(Alfa Romeo)

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ok let me just say that i love him… all sides and angles and moods and everything about him…

but he can be pretty confusing at times.
i'm learning to deal with it…

just have to wait out the "doesn't really want to talk to me" days.. wait for the "loves me more than sleep! and cannot wait for me to get there" days…

it's a little bit up and down… and sometimes (just sometimes!) i feel like he doesn't want to remember what he has said to me…
and i do… from the first moment he said he loved me, i have not forgotten a word.
i remember every conversation (on the phone or online or in email) almost letter for letter… sentence by sentence… word for word…

he sometimes says that he "goes overboard" and he must learn to "control" himself…
but i don't understand why!
if i feel the same as him (on his uncontrolled days, i guess)… i'm swamped in this… this overwhelming love.. it's bigger than me… it colours everything i do and say and feel… i don't control  myself… why must he?
why must he hold back? i'm giving him everything. going out on a limb.. trusting him not to hurt me.

he said he's still wary of me, at times. wary of letting go.
i don't know what more i can do to prove to him that i will never, ever hurt him (definitely not conciously or intentionally!) and I will never cheat on him and i will never leave him. no matter what. and i was never, and still am not, wanting anything from him, except his love.

i just have to suck it up, hang in there some more i guess… take the blows.. the emotional rollercoaster…
wait for him to see he can trust me with his heart. he really can.

i've sorted a big chunk of my debts out… still got the credit card to go though… and some left on my camera loan…
nobody wants to buy my D50 though… Orms won't sell it for me ("it's too old, sorry") so i have to do it myself.. but i've had NO responses (in 2 weeks) from my gumtree ad…

i really am drowning here…
only just made my cellphone payment.. and now i'm paying off the credit card overdue amount (because i had NOTHING left after the cellphone came off and NOBODY has paid me, still) in dribs and drabs… but they said that was alright… so i just have to wait for someone else to finally pay me!

i just need a little break… a little windfall…
that's all i need…
just to get my head above water, take a breath, keep on swimming…

just keep swimming
just keep swimming
just keep swimming swimming swimming

claw… kick… claw…kick… ATTACK the water…

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my beautiful man

Posted: July 6, 2008 in emotion, love, people, relationships

so here i am
i was happy
doing what i loved
living my little dream

but thanks to … various things not under my control…
my dreams are being flushed down the toilet.

going to have to whore myself out as an IT bunny again.
just to be able to pay my bills. of course it doesn't help me this month. only 2 clients have paid me.
out of 11 orders i've done.
can't pay any bills. NONE.
my cellphone bill barely scraped through.

i'm not going into anything new, with this debt hanging over my head.
i won't do that to the boy.
i will NOT be that girl. i refuse.

so, i'm sorry my Preciouss… you have to go. Bertha stays (obviously)… but my sweet Preciousss … if someone would just buy her of course.
yes. i get sentimental, even about inanimate objects.

selling my car (At some point) is going to hurt. real bad.
Broomhilda has been with me through thick and thin. really really thin.
she's run on fumes and bald tyres with no brakes and 3 cylinders.
and she still gives me her all.
no windscreen wipers (and yes, it's winter… don't even ask how i got home today… )

I know something good is coming (besides my beautiful TJ i mean… he is the best thing that has ever happened to me) and i know i just need to be patient…
but i'm not going to sit idle in that time….
idle hands …etc etc…
and an idle mind is even worse.

so if i have to don my Bunny Girl ears and shake my little fluffy tail a bit, to make ends meet… then so i shall.

it's time to take care of _me_.

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