Archive for May, 2008

the boy called me at 3:30AM to tell me his exciting news…
his papers are through division, just waiting on one more signature (the commanders) and then he's off to Germany.
so basically.. 90% certain.
he leaves in a couple of months… 2 maybe 3.
Carmen goes with.
but he says he might sell her when he gets there – because she's a gas guzzler – and he wants to buy a bmw.
when in germany, i guess…

so he says "go back to sleep, sweety and i'll be online later"
so i did.

i then dragged my tired ass (after a hectic ride on Catch yesterday afternoon – he's not been ridden in 2 months!) out of bed at 8am, just to talk to him… and he says "so ask me a question… anything"
and when i don't have any "questions" for him… he *yawns* at me, and says "well then i'm going to bed. i'm tired and bored."

gee. thanks.
boys. *sigh*

WHATEVER! I shall engage Boy Mode then.
See how he likes it.

my mother made me SO angry.
i'm not posting anything on my other blog anymore.
i knew she read it…
but last night she says basically that i was whoring myself out "begging for money" online…
to get to Hawaii.
did i EVER beg?
i reread ALL my posts. i did no such thing!
just because i added some advertising? and some art for sale? and asked people to buy it?
Way to show the love!

so. no more updates about him on there. that's for sure.
which means basicaly NO UPDATES. because he is PART of my life and i WILL be going wherever he is!

i was SO angry. and SO hurt. if that's what she thinks of me. wow.

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ok… the boy explained (as best he could) the situation regarding his various dates and things that are happening or could happen… so i’m a little more up to date…

he got leave approved from 2 June, for 2 weeks… so he's at least going home for a little bit. he needs to i think.

needs the peace.

still a big chance i won’t get to see him until he gets back from his deployment…

but I am taking it day by day… no point in getting knickers in a knot about something that is not in my hands

as long as i have him, in whatever form it takes, then i will be ok.

_obviously_ i want to be with him… but he’s worth the wait.

and i can wait.

he sent me flowers.

i’ve never been so touched in my life.

i’ve never ever gotten flowers (or anything) like that. delivered to my gate.

the driver laughed and said ” i can see that it was totally unexpected!” and i just nodded… mouth open… looking like a nana…

big grin after that…

they smell so lovely! and inca lilies! my favourite!

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That's my heart.

just when i think he can't be better, can't be brighter… he is… and i just love him more and more…

the ache is pretty much constant now… because i know he feels the same…

as he says…
no more looking
no more guessing
this is it.
the real deal.

G says if something happens to the boy… he just hopes i survive it… because he doesn't think i will…

i don't think i will either.

and that scares the hell out of me.

i don't want to think about that…. but i know i have to.

i have faith though.

and my heart is overflowing.
it will go with him to iraq.
where he ends up, it goes too.


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I don’t know why I left

But I know I was wrong

But it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home


Got a letter in the mail,

Said go to war or go to jail

But it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home


Slapped me down in a barber’s chair

Spun me around, I had no hair

But it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home


Used to drive a Cadillac

Now I hump it on my back

But it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home


Used to be a high school stud

Now I’m marching in the mud

But it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home


Used to wear my faded jeans

Now I’m wearing Army greens

But it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home


Used to date a beauty queen

Now I love my M16

But it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home


Mama, mama don’t you cry

Your little boy ain’t gonna die

Cause it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home


I'm starting to feel it now.

That sick roiling in my stomach at the thought of my soldier boy going back there.

his second time around.

I priced a ticket to NM – R17 125.

Not much different to a ticket to Hawaii.

Still way out of my grasp though. And his.

He wants to go home. I don't blame him. He _needs_ "home" right now. As much as i want to be part of that "home"… i can wait. i _will_ wait. as long as it takes.

The more I read these milblogs (and i probably shouldn't… if i want to stay sane) the more i feel that tug at my heart.
This is someone who means _so_ much to me. More than anything in my life, ever.
Who, i can honestly say, i could not live without now.
He is so much a part of my day, my week, my weekends, that even when i go a _day_ without talking to him, i feel lost, restless, out of kilter. itchy, like a junkie needing a fix.
Talking to him – even if it's 5 minutes before he goes to work, or hours into the night, talking shit and laughing about everything, sharing music, thoughts on things – it's like an intense boost to something that's always there, deep inside me. he's like my powerup!

I see a uniform now (whether it's out there or online or on tv, it doesn't matter) and my heart leaps. I hear an accent and i immediately think about him, and smile stupidly. i hear the word "soldier" and my ears prick and my attention swings to whoever said it.

And i hear him singing.
See his patches. His name in bold letters.

This stupid war.

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The bank annoyed me yesterday.
They "suspended" my credit card, because i missed a payment (R250…) by 3 days.
I've been with this SAME bank, SAME branch, for 26 years.
And they have the nerve to send me a rude sms and shut my account down?????

I was not amused.

I sent them a rude sms back – there was mention of poop flinging and waving of hands.

I retried my ff order this morning, and VOILA it worked.

The power of Going Apeshit.

Slowly catching up with all my orders, paperwork and printing.
Sent all my jumbos to ff to print (the above order)(over 300!) and now i must just do cds.
7 of them. But MOSTLY "new" shows… so i will have them accessible…. a couple of ancient archived shows though…
I'm gradually getting back to a good place though.

Now, of course, I have the Nelson's Creek Eventing weekend photos to sort!! But i'm not panicking about it… i will just get to it as i get to it.
My orders are far more important right now – some of the people have been waiting since March! (late march, sure, but still MARCH!!) and i hate letting people down.

What a weekend it was, too.
And Jamie's 21st on Saturday night as well…

i was bloody exhausted… and then the stomach bug struck, while i was tired and vulnerable, at 4am on monday morning.
man oh man was i in pain. throat was raw from throwing up! weak and wobbly.
missed my ride on Cuppi 😦
but will ride him Wednesday morning, i'm sure!
Got A.T tomorrow too…
I need it.
especially after the last 2 weeks of misery.

oh man i love my soldier boy.
just ADORE him.
thick and thin, baby. my heart is yours.
forever and ever.
no matter what.


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so, the boy put in for leave, 2-16 June. he wants to go home.
if it gets approved, it means he is going to Iraq in July.
if it doesn't, then it means he is going to Germany in August.
If it gets approved, then he goes on course end of june when he gets back.

so basically.

i'll never see him.

yay me.
yay him.


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and now the Army have decided to mess the boy around AGAIN.
He might be going July 15th?!?

So he said i should hold off on buying that ticket….

2nd May and he said wait.

WHAT NOW??!!?!?!

if he goes, in July… and i don't get to be with him.
it will be a YEAR. A YEAR, PEOPLE!!!!

A year before i see him.
a year in IRAQ!!!!

Come on Universe. help me.
help us.

i'm being strong.
but i'm burning out quickly.

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