Archive for September, 2008

that's the best word i can find to describe how i feel right now…

i don't think it's a bad thing… i think it's the way i am learning to cope with stress…
i think being calm and clear is a good way to be…
i feel bad though – everyone keeps asking me "aren't you excited?" and "aren't you nervous?" … and i'm sure, somewhere deep down i am… i know i SHOULD be… but at the same time, i don't think i'm ready for that yet… so my mind is a placid ocean right now… my heart is still… it feels kinda good…
i know the flipside of this is coming… i can feel it… but until it does, i'm numb…. and that's fine with me…
i don't want it to seem like i'm not looking forward to going… because that would be so far off the mark it would be funny… i'm just calm (for a change)… and open to things…
in the last week or so i've made so many new friends, and done so much… and haven't packed anything!
i only got my suitcase out of the garage on friday… still pondering what i'm taking.. what i need… if i'll have space (i have so much stuff for the boy… *grin*… i couldn't help myself… ) and i should check the weather again… 
it's a really hot day here today (i think because another storm front is coming…) so i'm in tank top and baggy surf pants… 
going on a "Hash" run later… invited by my friends at the consulate… it sounds interesting… only reason i'm going is because apparently there's not much RUNNING done – and i'm going with Megs, so we will walk together and keep each other company… and watch the other people run by… 
i'm DEFINITELY taking my camera!
that reminds me.. i need to change the battery for a charged one…
oh! and my Speedlight is broken 😦 it stopped working at the baby shower i was working at yesterday…
i thought it was just the batteries… but unfortunately i've changed them 3 times (for BRAND NEW ones) and it's still faulty (won't switch on for more than .3 of a second)… 
so i will have to send it to Orms when i get back (thankfully i don't think i will need it in germany – but i will definitely need it when i get back! USMC Ball, etc)

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but that doesn't make it any easier…

Alchemy collapsed in his paddock yesterday. Mrs Ray called Jamie. Jamie called me (8 times – my phone was in the car though, cos i was out being thrown around and misbehaved with by a little horse called Rossi…) in tears.

Dr Augustein says "no more". Al's legs are too weak to hold his body weight – just in the last week, his near fore has shrunk in size, under the calcifications on his knee… it looks like a stick, compared to the other legs.
My poor Al. So. Bad weather today and yesterday meant they couldn't… dig the hole… so… they start digging tomorrow (wednesday) and the next day (it has to be deep, and big, for a horse's body) and then friday…  friday he goes.

my heart is breaking. but i knew that it was coming, after the scare a little while back. and this time i know it wasn't because of us – we really have been trying hard to get him out a lot, and we thought he was doing well.
it is so hard to see our magnificent Alchemy so … frail and.. weak… he's still so beautiful. from the neck up, you would never know he's 28.
i don't know what Stormy is going to do when Al goes.
And Ex. He's going to be … all alone when Catch goes out. I'm just going to have to do my best to get down there as often as possible and take him out.
but now, with me going away…
Jamie can ride him. If she can handle going down to the stables, that is.
Al is her boy, more than mine. and she had to have Rusty put to sleep today too. she's having a rough time.

and the boy is also having a rough time.
i didn't sleep at all last night. not even 5 minutes. i am so worried about him. my heart aches for him. to hear him so down. he is so miserable there. it's not what he was expecting, or wanting. and there's nothing i can do. which makes it SO DAMN HARD.
less than two weeks… then i can try and make it better. try my hardest.

i'm trying to get some work done – to get some money in, to cover bills while i'm away – but i am so tired, and so worried and so low… i just can't focus.

i'll keep trying, of course.

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Yesterday… 1st of September… Spring Day, here in South Africa (being on the bottom of the world, we are all backwards in our seasons :)) i was in the mall (trying to sort out some rather worrying internet banking issues… in short: somehow, someone signed me, using one of my credit cards, for 3 porn sites – subscriptions… so i rushed to the bank to cancel it all and try and block anything) and i went to the pharmacy (for another reason) and as i was leaving, i saw a sign in the window "Ear Piercing Done Here" ….
so i thought "i wonder if they do nose piercing?" and i went in to ask…
next thing i knew i was on a chair, in a corner being told "Brace yourself, so you don't jerk away… because that WILL hurt"…

and it was done. 3 seconds.

i am now the proud owner of a bar of steel impaled in the left side of my nose…

sounds awful, but it actually looks rather nice!
and the boy _really_ likes it – which of course made it ALL worth while!

i got through my first "cleaning" with minimal issues… (the first cleaning last time, is the reason i don't have pierced ears… there was blood, a drop really, and wham, i was out cold on the bathroom floor! i was 7! it was too much. i took them out and never got them done again and got the total heebies if i thought about pierced ears too much – can't even help my mom put hers in.. makes me feel QUITE ill) but this morning there was a little bit of caked blood around the steel… i said to myself "if i'm going to faint over something QUITE so pathetic… then let me sit down" so i sat on the floor in the bathroom, surgical spirits and some cottonbuds, and a mirror…
i _did_ feel a little queezy when i had to twist it a bit to unstick it… but, i was sitting down! and i remembered to breathe… i think that's always been the issue.. i forget to breathe… so of course i would feel faint…
so i just gave myself a little time… and voila
i was fine!
i must keep it clean  – especially in my line of work, and with the things i do during the day (horses, dogs, mud, sand, dirt, hair…) so i'm just going to have to get over this little "thing" i have, and DEAL WITH IT like a grown up…
i have to keep it in for 10 weeks…

it wasn't sore at all when it was done – just warm… but i was too busy trying not to faint to notice anyway!
But this morning i have to say it started to actually hurt a little… throb in time with my pulse… but i've taken some tablets, and i'll have some arnica… and all will be well…
i'm NOT giving up this time…

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