and a few others things…
my ability to sleep
and the love of my life.
leaving him was agony. it felt like my heart was being twisted up and torn from my body. it was not gentle.
i stood up about 5 times, in the airport waiting area; determined i could just walk out, because he would still be there, waiting for me.
in the short time we were together, my addiction got 100 times worse.
i feel like half a person now. walking around like a zombie. sleepless. restless. red eyed. unsmiling. wanting something.
i keep reaching for him, in the dark.
i keep turning my head to laugh with him about something i see or hear or read.
when i drive, i keep my eyes firmly planted on the road ahead – because i keep expecting to feel his hand on my leg, or look over and see his smile.
he's just not there.
and this horrible mantra is running through my head.. and it's so unfair – on me, on my friends, my family, my animals, my home, on him – it goes something like this ..
"i don't want to be here… i don't want to be here… i don't want to be here… i don't care… i don't care…i feel nothing…"
and i can't seem to stop it.
i am so unmotivated. dull and listless.
i thought it would be easier, once we'd been together. and in some ways it is.
but mostly, it's harder. because now i know what i'm missing.
i don't want him worrying about me – it's not necessary… i'm sure i'll come right. i'll deal with it. i'll get used to it.
like i always do. he has enough to think about. he must take care of himself. that's important. more important than me right now i think.
it's a little scary (ok. a LOT scary) how deep this goes. this love.
i am his completely. i couldn't change that now even if i wanted to. which i don't. not for anything in the world.
all little girls make a magic list in their heads/hearts… sometimes we write this list down… but mostly we keep it inside…
it changes or gets updated as we get older… gets more specific, or more general – depending on what we go through in life…
and this boy.
this boy is _everything_ on my list – from the silliest thing (a mutual love of peanut butter, and him wearing boxers) to more serious things (honour, discipline, and honesty in all things)
i didn't even have to make any stretches – everything he says, everything he is and does, is on my list… and i'm finding that he is even MORE than that… things i never knew i wanted, he has. he gives.
i am a walking cliche'. and i don't care if i am.
so my sock is in the barracks somewhere. a symbol of something. not sure what though. maybe of everything i left behind.
everything i washed there, smells like him.
and he smells so good.
how did he get under my skin like this?
and he keeps peeling back the layers and digging deeper.
and i am powerless to stop him.
i just hope i'm good enough for him.
i just want to make him happy.
in all things.
make him proud.
because he makes me so happy, and i am so proud of everything he is.
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