Archive for October, 2008

i never get tired of telling people about how the boy and i met… how something so random turned into something so strong… and all the bits in between…

however, it's sometimes really cathartic (especially when missing said boy more than words can express right now) to read about someone ELSE who fell in love, in a remarkable and totally out of the blue way.
to hear about how it unfolded.. moment by moment… kiss by kiss…
it brings a strange peace to my currently tumultuous heart…
a small solace…

i really do miss his lips.. that little cupid bow mouth… so warm… so soft… if he'd let me, i could have spent hours just kissing him… and maybe one day soon i will get that chance…
a lazy sunday afternoon perhaps… or a rainy tuesday night…

one day, i will have the wherewithall to focus enough to write something down about our little love letter story…
right now, i'm not ready.

remind me again when things get more settled, more sure, more stable…

when i'm not flat out panicked about how the hell i will pay my bills this month, or how i'm going to get through things in the future… things i can't even talk about right now….

chin up, you stupid girl… think about how lucky you actually are… in all things that are important, anyway.
bloody hell i annoy myself sometimes.
STOP BITCHING. MAKE A PLAN. geez.

like i always do.

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and a few others things…

my heart
my soul
my ability to sleep
my laughter

and the love of my life.

leaving him was agony. it felt like my heart was being twisted up and torn from my body. it was not gentle.
i stood up about 5 times, in the airport waiting area; determined i could just walk out, because he would still be there, waiting for me.

in the short time we were together, my addiction got 100 times worse.
i feel like half a person now. walking around like a zombie. sleepless. restless. red eyed. unsmiling. wanting something.

i keep reaching for him, in the dark.
i keep turning my head to laugh with him about something i see or hear or read.
when i drive, i keep my eyes firmly planted on the road ahead – because i keep expecting to feel his hand on my leg, or look over and see his smile.

he's just not there.

and this horrible mantra is running through my head.. and it's so unfair – on me, on my friends, my family, my animals, my home, on him – it goes something like this  ..
"i don't want to be here… i don't want to be here… i don't want to be here… i don't care… i don't care…i feel nothing…"
and i can't seem to stop it.

i am so unmotivated. dull and listless.

i thought it would be easier, once we'd been together. and in some ways it is.
but mostly, it's harder. because now i know what i'm missing.

i don't want him worrying about me – it's not necessary… i'm sure i'll come right. i'll deal with it. i'll get used to it.
like i always do. he has enough to think about. he must take care of himself. that's important. more important than me right now i think.

it's a little scary (ok. a LOT scary) how deep this goes. this love.
i am his completely. i couldn't change that now even if i wanted to. which i don't. not for anything in the world.

all little girls make a magic list in their heads/hearts… sometimes we write this list down… but mostly we keep it inside…
it changes or gets updated as we get older… gets more specific, or more general – depending on what we go through in life…

and this boy.
this boy is _everything_ on my list – from the silliest thing (a mutual love of peanut butter, and him wearing boxers) to more serious things (honour, discipline, and honesty in all things)
i didn't even have to make any stretches – everything he says, everything he is and does, is on my list… and i'm finding that he is even MORE than that… things i never knew i wanted, he has. he gives.

i am a walking cliche'. and i don't care if i am.

so my sock is in the barracks somewhere. a symbol of something. not sure what though. maybe of everything i left behind.
 
everything i washed there, smells like him.
and he smells so good.

how did he get under my skin like this?
and he keeps peeling back the layers and digging deeper.
and i am powerless to stop him.

i just hope i'm good enough for him.
i just want to make him happy.
in all things.
make him proud.
because he makes me so happy, and i am so proud of everything he is.

The kiss_DSC0473_DSC0491_DSC0500_DSC1260

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