Posts Tagged ‘money’

Some things to keep me occupied in the next few weeks/months…

1) Find Wacom and get cracking on the 99 Designs thing. Maybe make some money. (Thanks, Ness, for the link)
2) Renew passport (expires in Nov '09, but it takes a looooong time to get done these days) Home Affairs. That should be fun. I don't even know where it is these days…
3) Study AFAST and ASVAB. Seriously. Going to ace the AFAST (no pun intended). Will need to brush up on my maths and science. And learn American system of measurements etc. Blah. Silly Americans.
4) Get books from the garage – I have shelves, now I must put them to use, damnit. There's a photography book, my N+ and I want to find my LoTR.
5) Get a new tattoo or 3. Not the Big One – going to get that one with the Boy.
6) Write letters (maybe start up with LWT again… ) and send the Boy some more packages, when I know his new address for his new FOB.
7) Make money and Save.
8) Finish paying off debts.
9) Go to shows, but choose the ones I want. No more standing from 8am to 6pm anymore, sorry. Been there, done that. Earned my dues. I'm most grateful to all the people who have welcomed me back and told me that I have been missed. It means a lot.
10) Start running (find pouch for Zune and keys, for my arm – I can't stand running with things in my hands) and get control of my body again. Riding 2 horses, once a week, is just not cutting it. My abs have disappeared. I am sad about that. Very sad. Something must be done.
11) Archive the show backups on my brothers portable hdd. I've had it too long. The shows are old, they need to go onto DVD and get filed away.
12) Keep dreaming. I have so many things I want to do. I _can_ do them.

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so PayPal hates me.
my country is, quite obviously, a terrorist den of massive proportions.

so i discovered something called MoneyBookers.com…

if anyone is feeling generous and wants to help me…

please feel free to sign up and send me money 🙂 – also, use me as referrer and i'll also earn some money that way!

my email is whiskeykitten AT gmail DOT com …

i'm running out of time. and running low on emotional strength too.

and of course. money i was low on to begin with (well documented story of my life…)

i CAN pay you back. I WILL be earning big moneys, in the second phase of Plan B .. the Dubai stage.. (if you read a few posts back you will understand)
so it's not a charitable donation or anything (although if you wish to see it that way…. that's fine with me)
i'll be "good for it"… just not right away.

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ok let me just say that i love him… all sides and angles and moods and everything about him…

but he can be pretty confusing at times.
i'm learning to deal with it…

just have to wait out the "doesn't really want to talk to me" days.. wait for the "loves me more than sleep! and cannot wait for me to get there" days…

it's a little bit up and down… and sometimes (just sometimes!) i feel like he doesn't want to remember what he has said to me…
and i do… from the first moment he said he loved me, i have not forgotten a word.
i remember every conversation (on the phone or online or in email) almost letter for letter… sentence by sentence… word for word…

he sometimes says that he "goes overboard" and he must learn to "control" himself…
but i don't understand why!
if i feel the same as him (on his uncontrolled days, i guess)… i'm swamped in this… this overwhelming love.. it's bigger than me… it colours everything i do and say and feel… i don't control  myself… why must he?
why must he hold back? i'm giving him everything. going out on a limb.. trusting him not to hurt me.

he said he's still wary of me, at times. wary of letting go.
i don't know what more i can do to prove to him that i will never, ever hurt him (definitely not conciously or intentionally!) and I will never cheat on him and i will never leave him. no matter what. and i was never, and still am not, wanting anything from him, except his love.

i just have to suck it up, hang in there some more i guess… take the blows.. the emotional rollercoaster…
wait for him to see he can trust me with his heart. he really can.

i've sorted a big chunk of my debts out… still got the credit card to go though… and some left on my camera loan…
nobody wants to buy my D50 though… Orms won't sell it for me ("it's too old, sorry") so i have to do it myself.. but i've had NO responses (in 2 weeks) from my gumtree ad…

i really am drowning here…
only just made my cellphone payment.. and now i'm paying off the credit card overdue amount (because i had NOTHING left after the cellphone came off and NOBODY has paid me, still) in dribs and drabs… but they said that was alright… so i just have to wait for someone else to finally pay me!

*sigh*
i just need a little break… a little windfall…
that's all i need…
just to get my head above water, take a breath, keep on swimming…

just keep swimming
just keep swimming
just keep swimming swimming swimming

claw… kick… claw…kick… ATTACK the water…

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So i'm meant to call the boy at 8pm…
but i get "your mobile account has been suspended. please contact your service provider."

fuck.

and why?
because people pay me late, or pay me with cheques from different banks that take 10 working days to clear! WORKING DAYS!
so my debit didn't go off to my cell provider…
so now i'm pretty much screwed.

and he's waiting for me to call 😦
and i can't even text him to tell him why i am not able to call!!!!!!!

and he can't get online!

GAH!!!!

why can't i just win a million bucks and pay all this crap off and just GET OUT OF HERE!!!!???

i just want to be where he is.

i am MISERABLE.

going to shower.

fuckit.

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My friend Wendy says that 8 is my lucky number (she knows these things) and this year, she has a feeling it's going to be all mine.
SO i have CLAIMED it!
2008 Is MY YEAR.

I just got a loan!!!!!! and a super repayment option on it too! It's amazing!
I'm getting a new camera, a new lens, fixing my car and paying off all my debts!!!

I'm still waiting for the email from my Marine though… BUT – I'm going to be both realistic AND positive about it…
he's a busy man (that much i know), perhaps he IS involved (which is disappointing, but if i know, then it's easier to move on) and maybe (just maybe) he does remember me and my email made him smile (i hope) and perhaps he is nervous?
He is younger than me, after all. And my email was kinda out of the blue!
So i'm giving him time (maybe he'll get a chance on the weekend?) and space and not going to bug him.

I'm going to get on with things – i've got lots to do! Lots of exciting work, and big shows coming up… i'll focus, for a change.

I'll pass the time chatting to my sweet buddy, TJ – with no strings for a change.

And life will move forward!

And now! On to the beach with my dogs!

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so. no response from D about the email address or anything for the Marine.

oh well.

at least I tried, right? that's a big step for me, that much i know.

the loan people came back to me… they offered me 33 000 less than i asked for.
erm. no. sorry. not worth the interest and the agreement signed in blood. i'm not good with blood.

so i'm back at square one. but it's ok.

it's a new year and i'm not going to succumb this year, to that dark misty me that hangs out in those back rooms in my mind. the dusty ones with the rusty handles. the ones in the passages that the light bulbs don't work in.
that darkness can stay there, thanks. i've had enough of it.

it takes the taste from food and the warmth from sunshine and the colour from the sky. i'll never get rid of it (it's part of me) and i don't want to forget it (because it helped make me who i am, made me strong) but i'll not give in to it anymore.

life goes on, i go on.

take a deep breath, and step away

in the words of Dory – "Just Keep Swimming"

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