i really must stop
stop the train of thought at the station. before it makes me nuts. picks up steam.

ever since. EVER since. that.
he's shown no interest in me. none. like i've ceased to be attractive, and now i'm just the "buddy".. the tech support actually… that's all he's spoken to me about…  help on the computer.

i'm going crazy here, and he's … cool and calm and totally chilled.
doesn't want to see me online. doesn't talk about how he misses me. doesn't _need_ me. doesn't want me.

just doesn't want me. no interest whatsoever.

and. it's either THAT. the reveal. the revelation. about the way i look without it.

oh god that "or"…

please not that.

actually. i don't know. maybe that would be easier to deal with.

that other option.

if it really is THAT, the discovery, then i'm screwed. because there is nothing to do to take that out of the loop. out of the process.
i warned him. i told him it was going to be Instant Turn-Off.
but no, he wanted to see. the scars. my wounds.
i should have said no. no because i didn't want him to see.
he asked if it hurt and i said "only my pride".
but now. now it hurts. now he's revolted too. like everyone else.
i feel like i've taken 20 steps backwards.
the joy i felt, how beautiful i felt, it's all gone.
crushed under that "oh wow. ouch. i didn't realise it was that bad"


oh god.

so if it's that? what can i do?
nothing. i guess.
he'll go to germany and find a beautiful, perfect, WHOLE, woman. with an accent. maybe not someone as old as me too. probably.
and i'll be lost. forgotten.
and i don't think there's any coming back from that kind of hurt, for me. i'm too old now. used. broken.

and if it's the OTHER thing?
if he's just finally given in and done it?
will he tell me?
must i just wait? and get more grey and lifeless while i wait?
because that's how i feel now. lifeless.
like a tatty rag. used to be white and clean. now i'm dull and grey and dirty.
WILL he tell me if he has?

will it make it easier if he does?

and yes, i could be completely wrong. about all of this. both options. BUT. i can't even blame hormones. because it's not that.
i just have a sick feeling, in my stomach.
i don't know which is worse.
i really don't.

i'm trying desperately to have faith. trust. because i do trust him. i love him so much i can't see myself sometimes. like i'm covered by it and i can't reason, can't think straight.

i'm hoping this is just stupid girly paranoia.
i really am hoping.

but i am NOT going to say anything, or act like anything is wrong. just carry on regardless.

he'll speak to me in his own good time.

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