Archive for August, 2008

went to get my passport and visa this morning, from the consulate…
EVENTUALLY found parking… reasonably far away, but i'm fine with walking – and it was lovely rainy weather, so everyone was inside…

took me 5 minutes in all…

AND they gave me 10 extra days on my visa and a multi entry one too…
which is ROCKIN…

but poses some financial issues…
obviously i want to stay longer with the boy… OBVIOUSLY!

but it means extended my medical insurance (a good extra R500 at least)
changing my ticket return date (another R500, which means R1000 altogether, because i've already changed it once)
adding extra days to my hotel booking (another 300 EUR)

so basically i'd have nothing to spend… and that would suck mightily…

i spoke to the boy when i called him just now – he said he "doesn't care" what i do… which is fine, means it's not a problem…

so.. it all stays the same…
and i still leave september 22nd and fly back october 7th…

still hasn't sunk in though…
i'm sure it will soon…

the boy said "why do you have such a sexy voice on the phone?"
he likes to surprise me with comments like that…

i love it.

*sigh*

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Tuesday morning dawned… cold and clear… i hadn't slept a wink.
i downed half a litre of rescue remedy and went to get more stuff copied and some more statements…

then it was off to cape town… eventually found parking underground…
then up 19 floors to the German Consulate…

my heart was pounding so hard that my body was shaking in time…

but i downed some more rescue remedy… and sat quietly, waiting my turn, doing some A.T to calm my breathing and slow my heartbeat … it actually worked…

i got a LOVELY lady, who also informed me that if my grandfather was german, i should apply for a german passport next time 🙂
was so sweet of her… made me comfortable and calm straight away…
she took all my papers, asked what i did – i told her, and told her i specialised in equestrian photography…
i got a LITTLE worried at that point, because she rolled her chair back to talk to the lady at the booth next to her…
rapid fire german… but smiles… and the other lady came around to "see me" and she asked me all sorts of questions (do i ride? where? what shows did i shoot? etc etc) and i showed them some of my photographs, and she recognised Dawn Newman – that was so cool! such a small world, our horsey world…
they wanted my website, and the lady who rode said she was DEFINITELY going to check it out, because she rode in Tokai and she was into her dressage etc etc 🙂
and zip zap… "now you pay me money" and then i had a receipt and was told to come collect it on Thursday! (tomorrow)
I'm so happy. so excited. but it hasn't really sunk in yet… i don't think it will until i get on the plane. or maybe even when i get to germany… i really don't know.

i informed my mom. wrote her an email (cos she was at work) – but i've had no response.
and last night she was very cold and didn't speak to me much. but i don't know if that's because i didn't do the dishwasher thing, or because of the email, or because she had a rough day…
so i emailed again this morning, to see ask if she'd gotten my email before…. and still nothing.
i think that's also part of why i'm not feeling the excitement yet… i was really hoping she'd be happy for me.
the way things had come together for me in the end – despite her negativity.

oh well.

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here i sit, still in my jammies, at 1400, on a Thursday.

haven't even brushed my teeth, or my hair or anything.

i've had tea. and also made a decision to drink a glass of water each time i have a cup of tea. (because i drink too much tea, and i'm getting dehydrated – which brings on a headache. the headache was so bad this morning, that i had to take an Advil and have a sleep. but i feel better now. more human)

still waiting on my "letter" from my friend in Germany…
as soon as i get that, i can go to the German Embassy, and try get my Shengen visa.
i keep hearing horror stories about how strict they are and how easily they deny them… so i'm pretty damn nervous.

hold thumbs for me, that i get it first time, no hassles. because i don't have time to go back and forth, trying to get it right. or the money.

luckily, my friend V has given me some pointers (she worked in the travel industry for a while and has very helpful tips) on what to take with (everything i can think of, basically, and ways to show them i'll be coming back!) and i'll start making copies and stuff as soon as i get that damn letter.
I've got the ticket (Emirates – 22nd September) i've got the travel insurance (just need to deposit the money) and i've got the hotel booked (looks kinda simple, but has nice reviews).
now just the visa.

i've not shared all this with my mother. especially not after the last "conversation" we had.
i'll tell her when i get the visa, and everything is sorted.
i'm glad i have this blog. one she doesn't read.

I want to make money with my blog – but vox unfortunately doesn't like outside code very much – but can only do it on my domain blog. which sucks, because that's the one my mother reads, so i don't update it much, because everything i talk about seems to piss her off or upset her.

so i'm a little jealous of V, who is making "wads of dollah" with her blog… with paid reviews and adverts and stuff…
it's brilliant, and i'm happy for her… but i just wish i had the time and energy to put into it.

lovely weather today (nice and gloomy and cold, matches my current mood) and i am going to finish this cup of tea and take the dogs for their walk. they're so patient with me.
pathetic hooomin.

*sigh*
i haven't _seen_ my beautiful man in so long.
we talk on the phone, yes, and that's wonderful (i still love his voice, and it still makes me giddy), but i'd also like to see him. i miss that smile of his. his big warm loving beautiful eyes.
 
hopefully, i'll get to see him and hear him and everything else, all at once, very soon.

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ok. the boy is nervous. seriously nervous.

so nervous, he says, that he doesn't know what to say or think or do.
and that's why he's been acting a little odd…

he's scared. but very excited.

looking forward to me coming over there.

and he also just wishes he could "do more" for me while i'm there…

see?
told you.
girly paranoia.
i just had to wait. he always comes through. that's one of the many reasons i love him so damn much.

he's just being a guy.

at least now i know for sure.

he's as nervous as me.

and he loves me.

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   I should be stupidly happy… i should be excited and nervous and bouncing off the walls…

instead. i spend my day wishing for something.
don't know what. just. something!

could be some sort of "yay, you're coming here" from the boy

could be "you've won the lotto"
of course i'd have to enter that first…

could be someone telling me "it's going to be ok"

BUT DAMNIT! I SHOULD BE HAPPY!! i should be driving everyone around me crazy with my stupid grin!
but i'm not!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

i'm getting so _tired_ of being miss miserable!

i get to fly to europe to be with the man i love!
and he gets to be with me.

come ON girl. pull yourself together.

i guess it is mostly the reaction.. or lack thereof… of the boy…

stay frosty, girl.
just.
stay frosty.

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… and I am _petrified_

i told the boy that it was 99% certain that i was coming over

i have to say i'd hoped for a little more enthusiasm… there were a lot of negatives thrown my way …
kinda hurt a bit.
"don't want to burst your bubble… but…"

so i am scared now.
i'm going through all this… selling my soul… digging a hole…

and he says "oh, cool" about me coming over… and then goes into the "but" listings…

am i asking too much, wanting just a LITTLE MORE excitement on his part?

guess it's just one of those other-side days.
i'm not going to let it get me down.

i've already had to deal with my mother being so negative it had me in tears. and added another sleepless night to my growing collection. have hardly had about 5 hours altogether, since the news of his deployment, on wednesday night.

i am running on empty. i am trying to do all this on my own. i will get no help from my mother. i remember now why i don't talk to her about anything. we just do NOT see things the same way. at all.

 thankfully i have the g-man, who has helped me a great deal – just with positive reinforcement and ideas on how to get money and stuff. he valiantly wades through the 'snot and trane' and gives me a swift kick up the bum and gets me back on track, again and again.

but i really really would like a bit more enthusiasm from the Boy.
i _need_ him to say he's excited… he can't wait… he's looking forward to it… SOMETHING…
not all this "but i don't have a car…" and "but i don't have anywhere for you to stay…" and "but i don't have any money to spend…"
does it really MATTER? i just want to be with him. finally. doesn't he want me anymore?
who cares how i get there or where i stay or if i have to spend my own damn money?
i wasn't EXPECTING anything from him!

at least he has a phone now.
he called earlier to tell me it was working… "but so damn expensive" so he won't be calling me much.

whatever.

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