Archive for March, 2008

the conversation started out a little stilted, a little tense…

but i didn't push, i didn't bug, i didn't act like girl…
i let him speak
i let him not speak
i listened and waited
and when he saw me he said i looked the same, just like he left me. and that was good.
after that, he relaxed, we laughed…
i just adore this boy.
i must never doubt him. never doubt the way he feels about me.
he is DIFFERENT from the other males that i've known in my life.
completely different.
i mustn't project what THEY would do, on him, because he isn't like that… in no way whatsoever.
he is sweetly him. and that's all i need.
so now, i look forward to seeing him again, but i'm not going to bug him… he still needs time to recover, to heal, to think, to be on his own… 
he knows i'm here, he knows i'll do anything he needs me for… 
and that's all i can give him, from here, and i think that's enough for now… 
and i'm not scared anymore.
he is what i need. what i want. and it's going to be hard. but we will get through.
one step at a time… 
i'm not bringing it up, until he does… hawaii… 
i've told him not to give up – he can still make the 3 month tryout for SF again… and now he has all this knowledge on what they want from him, what he can expect… so.. he has that advantage… he knows what he lacks, and now he has the time to work on it… 
and i know he will make it this time… i just know it.
it's meant to be.
and then we will make decisions from there… 
i _want_ to be the one he thinks about, the one whose photo he shows to his friends and says "yeah, that's _my_ girl… " the one he can't wait to get back to… i want the thought of me to get him through bad times, like a light… i want to be his anchor, his support, his best friend, his lover, his woman… 
is that so wrong of me?

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Posted: March 27, 2008 in emotion, military, people, relationships
Tags: , , ,

so now what?

the boy is back in hawaii
he called me (the sweet angel) to tell me he made it back alive… they flew this time, not on the bus.
explained that the medics said that his foot was actually broken already, so this was just a re-breaking of the previous injury…
he had no idea he had broken his foot at some point… weird huh?
humans can put up with a lot.
so now he says he will only be able to try out for SF again in over a year (2010)… because he has to stay off the foot and recover for 3 months or more – and that's when the next try out is in NC… 
and the rest of them leave for Germany in a few months anyway, so he'll be going there – and from there he will have 14 months deployed in Iraq again.
Stop-Loss or whatever it is.
(actually saw that there is a movie coming out called that – about soldiers etc, in Iraq – hadn't heard the phrase at all, ever, and now i've heard it twice in one day.)
but now… what do i do? i was all set to work out something to go to NC. but now what? Germany? there's even less there for me than in NC! but i HAVE to see him. i HAVE to. it's like this driving, desperate, need in me. like my heart is saying it will ALL be ok if i can just be with him. just for a moment.
i'm scared.
scared he's changed his mind about me. that he doesn't feel the same anymore.
i've had 2 weeks to stress and think – he's had 2 weeks of focus.
i'm shaking i'm so scared.
if he drops me now… my heart will break and i don't think there's any coming back after that, for me.
but at the same time… 
can it even work for us?
is it worth all the pain and anguish and longing?
i'll love him forever. i know this. 
but he's young. what if i am NOT the one for him?
would life be that cruel to me?
i don't think so…
oh i hope not.
i've had enough of this waiting.

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i just adore this boy.


charged up his worldcall card and called me again from the hotel…
told me the WHOLE story

my poor, sweet, soldier boy.

last day, and that happens.
i cannot even imagine what a let down it must be…

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there i was thinking about him… and my phone rings
and it's HIM!!
22h30 at night, but that's ok!!!!!
Said he had only one minute, but wanted to tell me he DIDN'T make it 😦 AND he broke his foot!!!!

made it all the way through the two weeks… and breaks his damn foot on the last day!!!
wouldn't they see that as a minor detail??
he made it ALL the way through!!!
come on!!


now what?


my poor babe.

i feel so bad for him.

he sounded so miserable.

so he'll be "at the hotel" for a couple of days apparently…

maybe i'll get to speak to him at least…


i feel so icky now. poor thing.

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it's my Monday night. 20h00. minus 6 is 14h00. so almost the end of his Monday.
In theory, Tuesday is the last day of the selection process….
he said 2 weeks.

But you never know with the military.

I'm hoping no news is good news. Means he's still there, still in the thick of it. i know they "weed out" the non-prospects as they go along… so…

i really really REALLY hope he gets in.
it would be amazing for him.

Got my new camera on Thursday (Thanks to G) but didn't even put it together until Saturday.
It should have been exciting – but all i can think about is TJ.

I'm not as bad as i was at first…
but i still ache.
my heart is so sore.

but as TK said – the worse the bad things, the better the good things to come.
i just have to have faith, and hold on.

i just wonder if he's thought of me at all?
i mean, not while he's focused, not while he's trying to get noticed. i want him to focus.
but.. in any idle time… or when he sleeps… do i cross his mind at all?
i know it's not summer camp, it's the frikkin Special Forces – i don't expect me to be in thought bubbles that follow him around…
i just wonder…
i'm hoping a thought of me is something that keeps him going, keeps him motivated, keeps him trying harder.

i'm actually petrified of how i feel about him.
how deep this goes.

just keep breathing, girl.
just keep breathing.

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if you wait
good things happen…

after that horrible goodbye – i was devastated.
i thought that was it.
2 weeks of misery.

but he called.
from Atlanta.
freezing cold and early morning.
but he called.
to tell me he was sorry. and that he loves me.

and that was all i needed to hear.

i mean yes, i miss him so much i can hardly breathe. feel like i've been kicked in the chest sometimes.

but I'm still smiling, quietly.

and i love him.
so much.

only been since Sunday and I'm going ballistic without him.
my mornings are dull and dreary. I just don't feel like getting out of bed.
my evenings.  they are the worst.
i just. go to bed.  feel like this huge chunk of SOMETHING is missing. and he's that something.

i don't sleep.
i hardly eat.

if this is part of being in love, it pretty much sucks.

I'm just holding thumbs that it all goes well for him – that he's focused, and strong.
my angel.

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been doing this all day, and yesterday – drove the customs people to HAPPY too… they were all smiling and joking by the time i left their offices…



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and it was a little thing, but it means so







just a little thing.


i had to find out what it meant…

and now that i do… i'm floating.


but of course it could just be a habit to add it to a text… it could not mean anything.

so i will wait and see, before i let my heart explode.



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