Posts Tagged ‘soldier boy’

ok. the boy is nervous. seriously nervous.

so nervous, he says, that he doesn't know what to say or think or do.
and that's why he's been acting a little odd…

he's scared. but very excited.

looking forward to me coming over there.

and he also just wishes he could "do more" for me while i'm there…

told you.
girly paranoia.
i just had to wait. he always comes through. that's one of the many reasons i love him so damn much.

he's just being a guy.

at least now i know for sure.

he's as nervous as me.

and he loves me.

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… and I am _petrified_

i told the boy that it was 99% certain that i was coming over

i have to say i'd hoped for a little more enthusiasm… there were a lot of negatives thrown my way …
kinda hurt a bit.
"don't want to burst your bubble… but…"

so i am scared now.
i'm going through all this… selling my soul… digging a hole…

and he says "oh, cool" about me coming over… and then goes into the "but" listings…

am i asking too much, wanting just a LITTLE MORE excitement on his part?

guess it's just one of those other-side days.
i'm not going to let it get me down.

i've already had to deal with my mother being so negative it had me in tears. and added another sleepless night to my growing collection. have hardly had about 5 hours altogether, since the news of his deployment, on wednesday night.

i am running on empty. i am trying to do all this on my own. i will get no help from my mother. i remember now why i don't talk to her about anything. we just do NOT see things the same way. at all.

 thankfully i have the g-man, who has helped me a great deal – just with positive reinforcement and ideas on how to get money and stuff. he valiantly wades through the 'snot and trane' and gives me a swift kick up the bum and gets me back on track, again and again.

but i really really would like a bit more enthusiasm from the Boy.
i _need_ him to say he's excited… he can't wait… he's looking forward to it… SOMETHING…
not all this "but i don't have a car…" and "but i don't have anywhere for you to stay…" and "but i don't have any money to spend…"
does it really MATTER? i just want to be with him. finally. doesn't he want me anymore?
who cares how i get there or where i stay or if i have to spend my own damn money?
i wasn't EXPECTING anything from him!

at least he has a phone now.
he called earlier to tell me it was working… "but so damn expensive" so he won't be calling me much.


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Just a little update on the Cowboy and my cute friend:
They have hit it off SO WELL that they are going on their 4th date this evening…
(since thursday)

I am SO HAPPY for them.. I really am. It's so brilliant. such a good feeling. she's grinning from ear to ear and he's messaged me to tell me how awesome she is…

of course i DON'T need details like "he is such an amazing kisser…"


I spent the day at the show with K, sitting in her car – NOT TAKING PHOTOS!
It was so nice!
of course there were the obviously awkward moments when people came up to say "hi andrea! did you get photos of…" or "why aren't you taking photos?" or "where's your camera?" etc etc…

but i needed the break, and i'll be there tomorrow, camera strung around neck, as usual.
K and I talked crap and she swooned over the Cowboy…..

The boy called, around 15h30 – he'd apparently gotten into trouble (was late for a briefing – but he hadn't actually been told what time he was meant to be there, so he went at 08h00 and he was _meant_ to be there at 07h30) and was now pulling extra duties… 24 hours on duty… he'll be off tomorrow at 05h00!!! my poor babe. *sigh*
but it was good to hear him. i thought he'd already left for his training session in the "boonies" (as he puts it) and wasn't expecting to hear from him for a while… but he says that's only happening in a week or so.. and then he'll hopefully get back on post in the middle of september… HOPEFULLY… but this is the Army…

was so good to hear his voice. he just wanted to tell me he was still alive and kicking.

K invited me to dinner tonight, with her and the Cowboy, but i declined. i'm really not in the mood for people. Especially happy people 🙂
sounds really selfish of me. but i don't think i can handle that right now. knowing… that i'm going home alone again. can't even talk to the man i love. online or on the phone.

this really is hard.

wish i had a little support.
not sure what i need though. so *shrug* i guess it doesn't matter.
i'll just deal.

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at some point in your life, you reach a moment where you can g any way…
there are options
sometimes few
sometimes too many

i was pottering around a snooty upper class food store, in an upper class neighbourhood (i was house sitting in the area… i love pitching up in my skadonky car, leaking oil and backfiring and roaring away and smelling of wet dog and fumes, slipping into the best parking spots and smiling brightly at the snooty people in their expensive sedans and SUV's that get washed every day and wouldn't DARE to exude anything except perhaps the expensive perfume of the gucci-covered and well groomed woman in the drivers seat….) blissfully unaware of what was coming….

I had said goodbye to the boy on Tuesday – he was off to Germany… all was well with the world… we had Plans.

so… around 6pm i get a phone call. the line is terrible and the delay is even worse than the USA-SA line…
The boy. desperate. miserable. petrified.

He landed in Germany. Had hardly set foot on tarmac, and he was told he was, in fact, joining the 1-2 INF, in Schweinfurt, instead of the training unit in Grafenwoehr…

and. added bonus. this unit was being deployed to Afghanistan in November.
yes folks. November. yes. Afghanistan.
that's … *counts on fingers* … 3 months away.
i asked if he was making some sick little joke. because sometimes we do that.
he wasn't.
he also said that the barracks were shyte and he hadn't met any of the other members of his unit (except one lonely soul who had ALSO just arrived, and knew nothing) as they were all at Grafenwoehr, being trained for the deployment.

I was calm, gentle, soothing… we both felt better after hearing each others voice. i desperately needed to hear him, that's for sure. and he said he felt the same and he felt much better. and he loved me. and i loved him.

we said goodbye. and the moment he hung up. i burst into tears. not pretty little "oh woe is me" tears. but great big SOBBY tears and heaving chest and gulping air. my legs also chose that moment to go utterly limp and i collapsed into a heap in the bread aisle. luckily i didn't upset any shelves.
i sat there, crying, with the phone in my hand. unable to stand.
of course, i was politely ignored by the snooty people in the store. In my riding gear and wellington boots, with ruffled helmet hair and a dirty face (because i HUG my horses) i stood out like a sore thumb… they were _not_ going to associate with this crazy cretin.
i eventually found enough strength to stand up. i left all my shopping right there next to the baskets of lovely expensive bread. and i wobbled out of there, still sobbing.
Suffice it to say, i won't be going back to THAT store.

After sobbing most of the night. and sleeping fitfully, curled in a little ball.
i decided that enough was enough. it wasn't helping anyway, and i wanted to be strong for the boy, when he next called.

the boy called again (all these calls are from a crappy payphone in his barracks, because – thinking he'd be staying a bit longer in germany, long enough to get a new one – he had cancelled his US phone contract on Monday!
he had no internet access (everything was locked down and he knew nobody to ask for access – and there was nobody helpful around, except the Other New Guy, who knew NOTHING) and it was HOT AS HELL (first thing he said was "do you know that germans don't have AC? it's seriously hot here.") as Germany, and most of Europe, are experiencing a wonderful heatwave.. hottest summer in 20 years or something…
and in walks my american sweetheart who is used to AC in his home, in his car and everywhere else too!

all his gear (and precious Carmen too!) arrives soon, but he will hardly have time to unpack it, and it will all have to go back into storage when he deploys!!
so say he is UTTERLY MISERABLE would be an understatement.

and so was i.
BUT. I refuse to give in. I will be strong for him.
So. Along comes Plan B.
I am busy sorting out money for a ticket to Germany. A shengen visa. and "expenses" (cos the germans won't let you in without money) and hopefully will leave at the end of the month.

it's just the money thing is proving difficult.

I will stay there until he deploys.
5 days or 5 hours or 5 minutes – i don't care, as long as i get to be with him. I'll take anything.

Then. I will come home. Do the I.T contracts that are lined up for me (just can't do them now, as i would not be finished in time to go to Germany) pay off more debts. and buy a ticket to Dubai.
I will stay in Dubai (earning GROOT GELD) while he is deployed… that way, we could even see each other on weekends, and when he gets RnR…. depending on what his unit ends up doing, and where they end up being ordered to go, of course… but it's closer than Cape Town, and less expensive than Germany, and they all speak English!
And we'll take it from there…

So right now… i'm desperately seeking the R20K i need to go to Germany.
thinking of ways to get it ASAP.
some options…. some more difficult than others…
but i'm willing to put in the time and effort – he is worth it.

so that's my life right now.

The Army changes their mind more than a socialite in a shoe store.
But i'm learning to deal with it.
You roll with the punches. you dodge and weave and sidestep. and there's ALWAYS a Plan B…. Plan C … Plan D…

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ok let me just say that i love him… all sides and angles and moods and everything about him…

but he can be pretty confusing at times.
i'm learning to deal with it…

just have to wait out the "doesn't really want to talk to me" days.. wait for the "loves me more than sleep! and cannot wait for me to get there" days…

it's a little bit up and down… and sometimes (just sometimes!) i feel like he doesn't want to remember what he has said to me…
and i do… from the first moment he said he loved me, i have not forgotten a word.
i remember every conversation (on the phone or online or in email) almost letter for letter… sentence by sentence… word for word…

he sometimes says that he "goes overboard" and he must learn to "control" himself…
but i don't understand why!
if i feel the same as him (on his uncontrolled days, i guess)… i'm swamped in this… this overwhelming love.. it's bigger than me… it colours everything i do and say and feel… i don't control  myself… why must he?
why must he hold back? i'm giving him everything. going out on a limb.. trusting him not to hurt me.

he said he's still wary of me, at times. wary of letting go.
i don't know what more i can do to prove to him that i will never, ever hurt him (definitely not conciously or intentionally!) and I will never cheat on him and i will never leave him. no matter what. and i was never, and still am not, wanting anything from him, except his love.

i just have to suck it up, hang in there some more i guess… take the blows.. the emotional rollercoaster…
wait for him to see he can trust me with his heart. he really can.

i've sorted a big chunk of my debts out… still got the credit card to go though… and some left on my camera loan…
nobody wants to buy my D50 though… Orms won't sell it for me ("it's too old, sorry") so i have to do it myself.. but i've had NO responses (in 2 weeks) from my gumtree ad…

i really am drowning here…
only just made my cellphone payment.. and now i'm paying off the credit card overdue amount (because i had NOTHING left after the cellphone came off and NOBODY has paid me, still) in dribs and drabs… but they said that was alright… so i just have to wait for someone else to finally pay me!

i just need a little break… a little windfall…
that's all i need…
just to get my head above water, take a breath, keep on swimming…

just keep swimming
just keep swimming
just keep swimming swimming swimming

claw… kick… claw…kick… ATTACK the water…

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The boy called me now (and i called back, of course) while driving back from the course he's meant to be taking…
he had to skip it today (which is a pity, because he's REALLY enjoying it!) because he just got notice that he has to be out of his barracks BY MONDAY!
He had till Aug 10th!
but the Army is being ratty, and now he has to rush around like an idiot today, and then this weekend… trying to get things done that he thought he had plenty of time to do!!
PLUS, his body armour got stolen… so he has to pay for that ("a good $1000" he said…)
i mean.. who STEALS body armour, on an army post?!?
what FOR? everyone gets issued with it…
very weird. and VERY annoying for the boy.
shame. 😦

so, to say he's stressed would be putting it RATHER mildly.

poor thing! wish i could help, but it's all mil stuff that only he can do…

i sent his birthday package today… shit.
definitely won't get there in time!
Maybe Bravo can send it on for the boy…?

and there's something in there for Bravo too, cos it was his birthday today…
the Army LOVES to mess up plans, don't they?

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Here comes the soldier boy!
Papers are through! signed off! all done!
he has to be out of Schofield, August 10th!
Off to Grafenwoehr, Germany.

He called me, around 11:30pm – so excited he could hardly talk! 🙂 it was so sweet!
I was out at a little gettogether at the US consulate – at the Marine house…  (was very cool – met the new Marines who've recently arrived – what a sweet bunch of guys!) – so i was awake.

I hope he went out to celebrate last night (because i haven't heard from him… no messages on IM or anything)
he's not awake yet, and it's just after 9

I'm so happy for him – what a relief!

i'm not going to push him for "decisions" though – we'll see what happens now. let things happen as they may.

i feel a little detached from him right now, i don't know why…
probably because i haven't "seen" him in a while.
and also probably because i was so worried/upset about losing Alchemy… which is thankfully not going to happen – B said he was glad to hear we thought that Al was just depressed, and he wanted us to try again with him. J and I took Al out for a walk, with Stormy, this morning (early – so i didn't get online… not sure if the boy was waiting for me or not… i have a feeling he wasn't though… that's what i mean about being "detached") and he was acting like his normal rambunctious self! full of nonsense! rearing and bucking and squealing and letting EVERYONE know he was back and he was THE MAN! It was wonderful – really made us sure about asking B about more time for him…
it was such a huge relief…

i think that's why i'm so exhausted… i was so wound up about it…

i feel kinda numb now – but it's ok.


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not to vegas… more like Hawaii, or Germany… or even Dubai, if that happens…

i wrote him an email…

couldn't keep it inside anymore.
let him know that i will give everything up for him. everything.
i would follow him anywhere.
i just hope he wants me to.

i hope i didn't scare him.
i would be devastated if i did.

i don't think i did…
he asked me to call him – he was surprised by the email he said.

he didn't REALISE how i felt? how i feel?

i have clearly not shown him enough, told him enough.
i know he's a boy, and they don't pick up on things like that… but still… he didn't know???
i guess i am just _too_ subtle… even when i thought i was going overboard.

it's a fine line and i don't want to cross it.

i love him.
my drug for life.

Listening to Sara Bareilles…
it's so annoying when they sing what i am thinking or feeling…
i feel so cliche'

i am so restless.
so damn all over the place.

in flux
S would be proud.

i know a big change is coming… i can feel it…
i hope it's good.

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i guess it's a form of cardio therapy…

HAPPY HAPPY HEART… then aching SAD heart… and then BACK UP TO HAPPY and 2 more reps…
my heart is BUFF, baby!


thank goodness for texts… he looooooooooves me…


my beautiful man.

DSC00582DocDSC00473Doc on blackhawk

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That's my heart.

just when i think he can't be better, can't be brighter… he is… and i just love him more and more…

the ache is pretty much constant now… because i know he feels the same…

as he says…
no more looking
no more guessing
this is it.
the real deal.

G says if something happens to the boy… he just hopes i survive it… because he doesn't think i will…

i don't think i will either.

and that scares the hell out of me.

i don't want to think about that…. but i know i have to.

i have faith though.

and my heart is overflowing.
it will go with him to iraq.
where he ends up, it goes too.


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