Archive for April, 2007
Tags: changing event, qotd
Tags: ancient, confused, sad, signals, tired
so easy to get confused…
so this boy, who i thought previously didn't know i existed, has suddenly shown an interest. a big interest.
i don't know why really.
there was no flirtation on my part, no comments from me
i wished him luck in a new adventure, that was it.
he's always been there .. just off the page… but honestly i didn't think my little star twirled in the same sky.
now. i am confused.
one moment it's flirting and sweet words.
the next i'm being ignored completely.
busy is one thing.. sure.. i get busy.
i don't know. i'm reading signals wrong. i didn't even know there WERE signals in the first place. and now i'm sure i'm reading them wrong.
and there's still the other boy. who is _so_ sweet. so careful of my attention. but _so_ young. and probably leaving anyway.
i feel like this ancient crone sometimes. clawed hands and wrinkled face. reaching…
i don't even want to go there.
i'm so numb here in my brain/heart/soul
like i've been sucked dry. or left in the sun too long.
it's like everything is happening to this person i see through a window
so detached from everything.
it might be what's helping me cope with things, so i'm worried that if i break the "glass" i'm going to lose my marbles.
still no camera.
being overwhelmed by Tired.
i'm tired when i go to bed, but i don't sleep. So i'm tired when i get up in the morning. (and it takes me a few tries to actually get out of bed).
i'm tired of not having money to pay for things i need. (not even things i WANT, those i gave up ages ago)
i'm tired of lacking motivation.
i'm tired of being tired.
but it's on the inside. tired inside.
i'm trying really hard to keep my spirits up and just think "forget this, work on what's next" but it's difficult when things keep breaking. going wrong. veering off course wildly. not left with many choices either. there's always a choice, but now it's getting to choosing the lesser of 2 evils (or 3, whatever).
there are some sparkly bits, for sure… but the shadows from the bad bits are pretty dark…