Archive for November, 2008

Been listening to this song by Beyonce'…

it rings true…

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woke up this morning with the most horrendously sore throat.
it was so swollen and raw that i couldn't swallow. not even tea.
i am in agony.
i hope it's not my tonsils. i can't afford to have them out. i can't afford anything really. and i'm not on medical aid (obviously).
joy.
so i'm downing ecchinacia (however you bloody spell it) and vitamin C by the 1000's of mg and multi-vitamins… in the hopes it goes away.

had my last ride with Mandy and the gang this morning – rode Watchy. She was a royal pain, but was still an awesome ride – we rode on the beach and watched it go from bright blue sky to thunderclouds and horrible humid heat in the space of the hour we were out there.
no whales though.
just wish it would rain, so it would cool down. really don't enjoy the heat or the humidity. another reason i'm having second thoughts about Dubai. (besides the fact that i've received no positive responses except from people who say they would only talk to me about work when i got there – which is cool, but not very helpful)

after the ride i came home and took all my wet clothes off (Watchy was having a splash fest in the vlei – she's so sweet) and climbed under my nice soft blanket and tried to sleep. you don't realise how many times you swallow, until you have a sore throat and it's killer painful to do so. especially when trying to sleep. i managed about 40 minutes – which is brilliant, considering i didn't sleep at all the night before. at ALL.

i still have rather a lot on my mind.

i love the boy. he is my number one and nothing will change that. ever.
but i've been spending time with some _other_ wonderful people… and they are all saying that i'm actually an amazing woman and that anyone who spends any time with me can't help but adore me. how odd is that? it's not just from person (if it was, i'd be like "yeah sure, you just want to get into my pants, don't ya!") it's from … basically from EVERYONE i have met in the last few weeks… and i mean _everyone_.. even the most unlikely people… people who have nothing to gain from sucking up to me or being nice to me…
the one gentleman said that his wife (And his wife's grandmother, a korean lady) said i was "so natural and so true to myself and so _real_" that a "light shines from her eyes"… that i am an "angel"… i'm no angel. i make mistakes. i'm only human.
but.
it's opened my eyes. to the fact that i _can_ be loved like that.for me. for who _I_ am.
i mean i KNOW that the boy loves me – no doubts about that! he has opened my HEART. wide open.
but honestly, i thought that was just… luck… just.. some divine chance that someone like him could fall for someone like me…
but now… after all this… it's like.. i feel .. amazed… and.. overwhelmed and…  i don't know what else!

i'm also thinking about my future. MY future. where i see myself. right now it's crazy, and i don't know. i'm unsure.
i know what i _want_ … but life doesn't always give us what we want, but more what we _need_…
and i don't know what i need.
so i'm scared.
and in making decisions about MY life… i don't want to hurt anyone else… which, in decisions to come, could be difficult… but it _is_ my life…

but right now i have enough on my mind, i'm not ready to go there just yet.
i've lost about 3kg in the last week or more  – stress.
broken out like a teenager. bloody sucks.
and my body is going haywire – not sleeping, hardly eating (and now with this sore throat i CAN'T eat, even if i want to.. so i'm forced to eat yoghurt!)

i hate this time of year.
hate it.

and sometimes a thought rolls around in my crazy head… and it confuses me… "what if i _had_ stayed with the boy?"
what then?
i would never have discovered all these incredible people, and the wonderful words and emotions they have sent my way, out of the blue..
my eyes would be set. focused in one place.
sometimes i don't think that's a bad thing. it would certainly be easier on my mind and body.

so anyway. took the cat to the vet for her monthly injection – and was happily asked if i could work for them for a week or so end of december, beginning jan.. which is awesome. a little weight off my mind… now i just need to get through the end of THIS month, and the beginning of december… lots of housesitting coming up… i think that's what i need. some time on my own.

just wish it would RAIN now!

 

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on my mind

Posted: November 22, 2008 in emotion, people
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there's a lot.

didn't sleep last night. at all. my heart is pounding and i feel sick.

credit card blah. and now my stupid cheque account…  i _had_ R9 available… you can't do much with R9.. and then the ink i bought came off late (somehow – probably the machine in the shop only sent it through late) and suddenly i was in negatives!

so of course – phonecalls from the bank…
i'm pretty much screwed.
i have nothing left to sell – except my car and my camera. and both of those are too important/necessary.

i've applied for so many jobs (all over the world!)… but only a few bites – and nothing in Dubai :/ they all say "if you get here…"
but to get to Dubai, you need a sponsor visa, from an employer…
been talking to my friend Ant (who lives in Kuwait now, but also lived in Dubai for a few years) and she says it's really not easy to get in.. not easy at all… and the cost of living in Dubai is very high, not much chance to save.

most places are also saying "only in january…"
so i have november and december and  early jan to get through…

been working my ass off – but the orders are all so small it feels futile… like i'm flailing about and getting nowhere…

i hate being like this – there's so much i want to DO!

but i'll keep trying!
i always do.

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Hallowe'en night was pretty chilled – the only token item I had to show my We'enness was my pair of red horns…
So these I wore. It was a very hot day and a long, warm summer afternoon and evening… so I was dressed accordingly in boardshorts and a little top…
well… i got a rather interesting (and, i have to admit, rather naughtily pleasant) reaction from the dads who accompanied their little kids on the trick and treating…
they stood for a strangely long moment, looking at me, as i opened the gates with my bowl of goodies, and then the one dad told his kids to say thank you (which they did, in chorus) and then another dad said "yes.. thank YOU very much" and other comments followed from the other dads, in a similar vein…
i got stared at for a few moments longer and then they hustled off after their kids who were already moving on to the next house…
last comment i heard was "she had yummy treats…"

i only had chocolate biscuits and things like that. no sweets or anything…but TimTams are yummy, for sure!

Been house sitting and playing "nanny" to two teenagers (13 and 16) for the last week…
It's been… different. Interesting.
They depend on me, but not in a horrible needy way… just as driver and maker of dinner and please-can-you-plait-my-hair and help with choosing a leotard for dancing and going shopping for a survival trip and you-can-watch-the-F1-with-me-if-you-want-but-you-don't-have-to
the boy (the 16 year old) is one cool little dude. i have to say he reminds me a lot of my man (not in that way, i SWEAR! i'm not THAT perverted!)… also very sarcastic and cynical (to a lesser degree of course… but it's definitely blooming… and i definitely encouraged it! we had a "sarcastic war" in the car on the way to the shops… it was fun – defending myself verbally against a 16 year old… thankfully i kept up!) and he is cute now, but will be a hotty in a year or so, that's for sure… he already has girls swooning over him (although he probably doesn't notice them "circling" the car, while we wait for his sister at the all girls convent school). i tried to not smirk as a young girl "accidentally" let her towel drop while walking by the car (she'd been swimming) and pretended i didn't see… while watching the boy in the rearview mirror… he was totally unaware… i rolled my eyes..
the girl is _gorgeous_ .. a delicate beauty – does ballet and swimming (synchronised) and she's very 13. very.
boys. friends. clothes. music. boys…. in that order… but she's very sweet… i'm not quite what she's used to, so it's taken us some time to kind of click… but we are doing ok.

The dogs are lovely – Lucky, a little maltese cross, is a stubborn little mutt, but FULL of character…  and Jessie (i call her JESSICA in moments of frustration… of which there are many) is a HUGE Airedale (black).. she has the biggest mouth i've ever seen on a dog, but the BIGGEST heart too.. an absolute softy, not a mean bone in her body… and it's a BIG body…
Tito and Sparkles are the cats – both very talkative, now that they know me and they know that i will indeed give them tuna. very loving (Tito follows me around and plonks himself down nearby when I am at the house) and VERY clever… far too clever (they get into EVERYTHING unless it's tied down and hidden away)

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