Archive for April, 2008

and it's a little bit worrying…

This weekend is a big big show – and I am house sitting, and I decided (because i'm looking after the beautiful, and now one and only, Brutus) that i didn't want to go. just like that.
It's local.
It's lots of my "regulars"

but i really just don't want to go.
it's like i'm so tired of it. tired of the same old thing, every time.
yes, i am good at it – that's not ego, that's something I have just come to realise. But I am tired of it.

even with the new camera.

i want to do something ELSE.

i still love horses.
i adore them.
they are my passion in life.

but i want to do something NEW.
i want to expand my horizons!

i cant blame TJ for this – he is always encouraging, telling me to focus – but he has opened my mind, opened my heart… and now i want more.
I want to follow my arty side.

I can't wait to go see  him in Hawaii. I want to be with him so badly. Like my missing piece.

I think that when I see him, everything will fall into place.
Everything will be ok.

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(N)Gone on a blind date
(N) Skipped school
(Y) Watched someone die
(N) Been to Canada
(N) Been to Mexico
(N) Been to Florida
(Y) Been on a plane
(Y) Been lost
(Y) Been on the opposite side of the country
(N) Gone to Washington , DC
(Y) Swam in the ocean
(Y) Cried yourself to sleep
(Y) Played cops and robber
(Y) Recently colored with crayons 
(N) Sang Karaoke
(Y) Paid for a meal with coins only?
(Y) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
(Y) Made prank phone calls
(Y) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(N) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(Y) Danced in the rain
(N) Written a letter to Santa
(N) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(Y) Watched the sunrise with someone you care about
(Y) Blown bubbles
(Y) Gone ice-skating
(N) Been skinny dipping outdoors
(N) Gone to the movies and didn't watch the movie

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and the boy is just making me fall further and further….

i HAVE to get there.
i have to.
i NEED to.

i just love him.
everything about him.
he makes me feel more ME than i've ever felt.
i trust him completely.
and he trusts me.
but is so vulnerable… it's… surreal.
he is just as scared as me, about feeling this way.

and he's offered to help pay for the ticket, as best he can.
and that meant the world to me.

no more "i don't care"

no more…

he loves me.
no doubt.

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oh i'm glad i didn't give in…

this morning i got the apology i was so desperate for…

big thing coming from a boy his age, and i appreciated it as such.

"i was being an asshole" he said.

i agreed

we moved on

thank you baby.

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making plans making plans…

still don't think i will able to make enough money to get that ticket to Hawaii in June…
i'm trying really hard… but i don't think it's going to happen…

don't think he cares, actually.

we've been kinda… miscommunicating recently.
i don't know.

but i'm Thinking Like A Boy, as was suggested.
Getting On With My Life, as i was told to.
Not Worrying About Him, as demanded.
My lesson was learnt.
Haven't told him I miss him.
Haven't told him I love him.
Not waiting online for him.
Not running after him.
Acting like I don't care.
The way he does.

but it doesn't seem to work – because now he's mad with me for being 5 minutes too late getting online.
first i'm told that i mustn't "worry about him", and that his issues/bad days are "none of my business"
so i back off.
and then i get called at 6:30am, told that he will be online "in about an hour, hour and a half"and that he's had a really "crappy godawful day"
so i go back to sleep for a little bit (not that i sleep much these days – brain too noisy) and get on at 8am, but have to help my aging dog outside (her back was a little sore, so she needed help standing up and getting outside – she's ok now) and when i come back… i get a message "thanks for being online" and he's gone offline.
how snarky.
how mean.
i was 5 minutes late.

nothing i can do about it, and i'm not apologising.

he confuses me.

but he says _I_ am strange?

a friend, who happens to be a recruiter for an international agency, has taken my cv into his careful care and is looking for international jobs for me… US specific, but also Canada, Cayman Islands…. and… Hawaii…
Not holding my breath (although he said my CV is pretty impressive – but i want photographic work, not IT related…)
but he says that their turnaround time is pretty damn quick and what's my "pack up and go timescale" ?

3 to 6 months he says is average.
I'm petrified. and i haven't told my mum yet either.

so now i wait.
should i tell the boy or not?
do i bother?
it's not a decision i made just for him…. i might not even end up near him!
I've been wanting to go overseas (to Canada more specifically) for a long time now.
i feel suffocated and boxed in here. and everything is so expensive.
i mean i LOVE what i do… but i want to expand my horizons… see what ELSE i can do with my photography…
i'm going to be famous. cocky as that sounds, i just know i am going to be.
this is what i am meant to do.
it sits right with me.

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Posted: April 15, 2008 in emotion, languages, love, people, relationships
Tags: , ,

a conversation
i get it

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i got on the scale the other morning, in all my riding gear (jods, boots, chaps, jacket) and i weighed less than i did, while standing naked on the scale, about a month ago…

i've lost another kg.
while this is SUPER, and i'm well pleased…
it's also a little… scary…
i've changed nothing, done nothing new – in fact i've been far more idle in the last month or so (house sitting needy dogs that meant i couldn't go anywhere, or ride or anything) and eaten far too much (boredom) than before…

perhaps i really have just kicked up my metabolism a notch?
i'll keep an eye on it.

i am now at my goal weight.
anything lost after this is just bonus points. 🙂

no word from the boy, all weekend. not a whisper.
but i don't care.
i wrote the email – just asking what his plans are, and if they include me – and now i'm leaving him alone.
the next move is all up to him.

i've done STACKS today – worked my ass off, and have some good results (already uploading the NRA eventing photos from Saturday.. so i've just got to start on Sunday's shots now, and there are less of them than Saturday!)

I'm feeling … a little numb.
but ok.

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"we need to talk"

not said yet… but we do.

i'm not doubting… but i'm hurt by the "i don't care" that comes out of his mouth too often.

simple questions. "i don't care" is not an answer.

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had a really good feeling this morning
got online really early, to in the hopes of talking to the boy while i worked
got sms from him saying he wouldn't be on, as it was Boys Night Out

I said "cool!have fun! get drunk and call me later and tell me all about it! remember to tip our favourite stripper!"

and you know what?
i MEAN it! (well the stripper part is just arb… a long running joke)
but i meant the HAVE FUN part…

i'm not… stressed or antsy or anything… i really mean it… i'm glad he's having a good night out, he deserves it, he's had a bad week… and i'm feeling content and relaxed about it – which is a really good feeling.

no more miss worrywort…. no doubts at all!


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