ok let me just say that i love him… all sides and angles and moods and everything about him…

but he can be pretty confusing at times.
i'm learning to deal with it…

just have to wait out the "doesn't really want to talk to me" days.. wait for the "loves me more than sleep! and cannot wait for me to get there" days…

it's a little bit up and down… and sometimes (just sometimes!) i feel like he doesn't want to remember what he has said to me…
and i do… from the first moment he said he loved me, i have not forgotten a word.
i remember every conversation (on the phone or online or in email) almost letter for letter… sentence by sentence… word for word…

he sometimes says that he "goes overboard" and he must learn to "control" himself…
but i don't understand why!
if i feel the same as him (on his uncontrolled days, i guess)… i'm swamped in this… this overwhelming love.. it's bigger than me… it colours everything i do and say and feel… i don't control  myself… why must he?
why must he hold back? i'm giving him everything. going out on a limb.. trusting him not to hurt me.

he said he's still wary of me, at times. wary of letting go.
i don't know what more i can do to prove to him that i will never, ever hurt him (definitely not conciously or intentionally!) and I will never cheat on him and i will never leave him. no matter what. and i was never, and still am not, wanting anything from him, except his love.

i just have to suck it up, hang in there some more i guess… take the blows.. the emotional rollercoaster…
wait for him to see he can trust me with his heart. he really can.

i've sorted a big chunk of my debts out… still got the credit card to go though… and some left on my camera loan…
nobody wants to buy my D50 though… Orms won't sell it for me ("it's too old, sorry") so i have to do it myself.. but i've had NO responses (in 2 weeks) from my gumtree ad…

i really am drowning here…
only just made my cellphone payment.. and now i'm paying off the credit card overdue amount (because i had NOTHING left after the cellphone came off and NOBODY has paid me, still) in dribs and drabs… but they said that was alright… so i just have to wait for someone else to finally pay me!

*sigh*
i just need a little break… a little windfall…
that's all i need…
just to get my head above water, take a breath, keep on swimming…

just keep swimming
just keep swimming
just keep swimming swimming swimming

claw… kick… claw…kick… ATTACK the water…

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Comments
  1. vivdora says:

    Congrats on the debt sorting. You are such an expressive writer! How about a book with photographs? I love the swimming analogy, keep on keeping on, you're getting there ……

  2. only a small part of the debt is sorted… a small part…but it's something i guess….thanks, for the kind words… i'm not really a writer… i just babble on about whatever comes to the surface…the swimming song is Dory's (from Finding Nemo)and the kick claw is Diego (from Ice Age 2)i thought they were apt….

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