Archive for February, 2007

Instinct.

Mine is so messed up that i don't know what to trust.

a woman's instinct is meant to be infallible. we are supposed to be able to smell trouble a mile away.

i just can't seem to do that. don't know if i was ever able to, because of the way i got .. "broken" at an early age.

the people who i like immediately, end up being assholes, and the ones i am wary of end up being the nicest of people.

snow used to have good people instincts (as strange as he was). i just don't.

like now, this sweet faced young man (yes… younger man… arg…) who started out SO shy… is pushing me (but oh so politely). and, as much as i think he's sweet (and he is really sweet).. i'm straining to hear my alarm bells… because i thought he was so nice, from the first moment i met him… so OBVIOUSLY that means he's going to end up being an asshole.

Right?

i just don't know what to do!

i don't want to be all cold and aloof (which is usually what happens to me) because what if i'm WRONG again?

and he's not being _bad_, he's just really interested in me (which is another thing that makes my hair rise on the back of my neck… him – cute, funny, sweet, intelligent – interested in _me_ ? how can that BE?) and wants to spend time with me… which is, in a normal world, perfectly ALRIGHT. Right? not in my world, it seems.

one moment i'm looking at him, while he talks, and thinking "he is _so_ cute"… then the next moment i'm panicking thinking "what could he possibly WANT from me?!"

i'm always looking for strings.

it's like there's nothing good out there for me, unless there's something else attached.

some baggage. some bad thought. some bad attitude.

something.

i don't want to be alone.

but sometimes i think it's just safer.

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