Posts Tagged ‘boys!!’

the boy called me at 3:30AM to tell me his exciting news…
his papers are through division, just waiting on one more signature (the commanders) and then he's off to Germany.
so basically.. 90% certain.
he leaves in a couple of months… 2 maybe 3.
Carmen goes with.
but he says he might sell her when he gets there – because she's a gas guzzler – and he wants to buy a bmw.
when in germany, i guess…

so he says "go back to sleep, sweety and i'll be online later"
so i did.

i then dragged my tired ass (after a hectic ride on Catch yesterday afternoon – he's not been ridden in 2 months!) out of bed at 8am, just to talk to him… and he says "so ask me a question… anything"
and when i don't have any "questions" for him… he *yawns* at me, and says "well then i'm going to bed. i'm tired and bored."

gee. thanks.
boys. *sigh*

WHATEVER! I shall engage Boy Mode then.
See how he likes it.

my mother made me SO angry.
i'm not posting anything on my other blog anymore.
i knew she read it…
but last night she says basically that i was whoring myself out "begging for money" online…
to get to Hawaii.
did i EVER beg?
i reread ALL my posts. i did no such thing!
just because i added some advertising? and some art for sale? and asked people to buy it?
Way to show the love!

so. no more updates about him on there. that's for sure.
which means basicaly NO UPDATES. because he is PART of my life and i WILL be going wherever he is!

i was SO angry. and SO hurt. if that's what she thinks of me. wow.

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every day i just get further and further into it with this boy
every time i speak to him, he just ups the ante
he is, quite simply, the most amazing boy i've ever known.

and i think he likes me

i am in Hectic Like.

he calls me babe now
says he loves my voice
calls me just to tell me he loves my voice

says i look like a maxim model

asks for my advice, while he tries to help a friend…

i don't think it's possible for someone to be more beautiful – inside and out.

he glows with life

and he says he's not too young for me – he says "a pity you're so far away – if you were here you'd be mine"
gives me goosebumps
makes my heart pound and my stomach do flips

totally makes my toes curl in delight
he makes me feel so ALIVE!
like i'm seeing things through his eyes!

and he just continues to amaze me, with the things he says, his opinions… his thoughts…
he is a WHOLE person, a REAL person… he hides nothing from me.

hectic HECTIC like.


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Another little Me Victory this weekend – a scorcher day at the show on Saturday, 36C with not a breath of wind to cool us… and I survived, in fact, i was FINE!

ALso, heard from D about the email address – he's been away (thus the lack of response) and he wanted to talk to The Marine first, to ask him if he could give me his email address…
how pathetic am i?
i feel like i'm in high school. asking his friend to talk to him for me…
but i did it, didn't i?


there's also a little confusion. complication.
a young soldier called TJ.  i don't know what to do about TJ.
the more i talk to him, the more… hooked, addicted.. i become.

he smiles and my knees go weak. he laughs and i feel like i'm going to float off my chair.
he went and bought a webcam, JUST so he could talk to me (when he saw i had one)
he wakes up and the first thing he does is message me.

am i reading things wrong?
he's too young. he's too far away.
i'm being stupid again.
also makes me feel like i'm young. i mean i'm not that OLD, but i'm far older than he is.

but he's like…. candy floss… sweet and … you want more… and sticky… not sure what i mean by sticky… but.. you get stuck in him… i don't know what i mean.

and he likes my company – well he seems to.

what do i do?

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do you think?

Posted: January 7, 2008 in emotion, military, people
Tags: , , , ,

my shy nature is warring with my terrible craving for him. my lucky marine.

the angles of his face.
his eyes.
his husky voice.
not just the accent. the voice.

do you think it would be too forward/stupid/crazy to ask D for the Marine's email address?
do you think he has one?

i'm just so petrified that he WON'T remember me.
i think my heart would break if he didn't.

of course, it might explode if he DOES remember me.
but that's a price i'm willing to pay!

oh what to do. what to do.

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Posted: March 10, 2007 in emotion, love, memories, people, relationships
Tags: , , ,

a strange numb feeling of "it's done, it seems"

while i was trying to so hard to remain calm, my protective wall closed in all by itself.

before i knew it, i was cold. aloof.

it seems that was enough to chase the young man away.

i guess that's a good thing, for his sake.

i really am not worth the trouble i cause.

complex is not always pretty.

sometimes it can just be downright annoying.

it's better this way, i know it.

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Mine is so messed up that i don't know what to trust.

a woman's instinct is meant to be infallible. we are supposed to be able to smell trouble a mile away.

i just can't seem to do that. don't know if i was ever able to, because of the way i got .. "broken" at an early age.

the people who i like immediately, end up being assholes, and the ones i am wary of end up being the nicest of people.

snow used to have good people instincts (as strange as he was). i just don't.

like now, this sweet faced young man (yes… younger man… arg…) who started out SO shy… is pushing me (but oh so politely). and, as much as i think he's sweet (and he is really sweet).. i'm straining to hear my alarm bells… because i thought he was so nice, from the first moment i met him… so OBVIOUSLY that means he's going to end up being an asshole.


i just don't know what to do!

i don't want to be all cold and aloof (which is usually what happens to me) because what if i'm WRONG again?

and he's not being _bad_, he's just really interested in me (which is another thing that makes my hair rise on the back of my neck… him – cute, funny, sweet, intelligent – interested in _me_ ? how can that BE?) and wants to spend time with me… which is, in a normal world, perfectly ALRIGHT. Right? not in my world, it seems.

one moment i'm looking at him, while he talks, and thinking "he is _so_ cute"… then the next moment i'm panicking thinking "what could he possibly WANT from me?!"

i'm always looking for strings.

it's like there's nothing good out there for me, unless there's something else attached.

some baggage. some bad thought. some bad attitude.


i don't want to be alone.

but sometimes i think it's just safer.

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