… and I am _petrified_
i told the boy that it was 99% certain that i was coming over
i have to say i'd hoped for a little more enthusiasm… there were a lot of negatives thrown my way …
kinda hurt a bit.
"don't want to burst your bubble… but…"
so i am scared now.
i'm going through all this… selling my soul… digging a hole…
and he says "oh, cool" about me coming over… and then goes into the "but" listings…
am i asking too much, wanting just a LITTLE MORE excitement on his part?
guess it's just one of those other-side days.
i'm not going to let it get me down.
i've already had to deal with my mother being so negative it had me in tears. and added another sleepless night to my growing collection. have hardly had about 5 hours altogether, since the news of his deployment, on wednesday night.
i am running on empty. i am trying to do all this on my own. i will get no help from my mother. i remember now why i don't talk to her about anything. we just do NOT see things the same way. at all.
thankfully i have the g-man, who has helped me a great deal – just with positive reinforcement and ideas on how to get money and stuff. he valiantly wades through the 'snot and trane' and gives me a swift kick up the bum and gets me back on track, again and again.
but i really really would like a bit more enthusiasm from the Boy.
i _need_ him to say he's excited… he can't wait… he's looking forward to it… SOMETHING…
not all this "but i don't have a car…" and "but i don't have anywhere for you to stay…" and "but i don't have any money to spend…"
does it really MATTER? i just want to be with him. finally. doesn't he want me anymore?
who cares how i get there or where i stay or if i have to spend my own damn money?
i wasn't EXPECTING anything from him!
at least he has a phone now.
he called earlier to tell me it was working… "but so damn expensive" so he won't be calling me much.
whatever.
The Harmonious Crow 