… and I am _petrified_

i told the boy that it was 99% certain that i was coming over

i have to say i'd hoped for a little more enthusiasm… there were a lot of negatives thrown my way …
kinda hurt a bit.
"don't want to burst your bubble… but…"

so i am scared now.
i'm going through all this… selling my soul… digging a hole…

and he says "oh, cool" about me coming over… and then goes into the "but" listings…

am i asking too much, wanting just a LITTLE MORE excitement on his part?

guess it's just one of those other-side days.
i'm not going to let it get me down.

i've already had to deal with my mother being so negative it had me in tears. and added another sleepless night to my growing collection. have hardly had about 5 hours altogether, since the news of his deployment, on wednesday night.

i am running on empty. i am trying to do all this on my own. i will get no help from my mother. i remember now why i don't talk to her about anything. we just do NOT see things the same way. at all.

 thankfully i have the g-man, who has helped me a great deal – just with positive reinforcement and ideas on how to get money and stuff. he valiantly wades through the 'snot and trane' and gives me a swift kick up the bum and gets me back on track, again and again.

but i really really would like a bit more enthusiasm from the Boy.
i _need_ him to say he's excited… he can't wait… he's looking forward to it… SOMETHING…
not all this "but i don't have a car…" and "but i don't have anywhere for you to stay…" and "but i don't have any money to spend…"
does it really MATTER? i just want to be with him. finally. doesn't he want me anymore?
who cares how i get there or where i stay or if i have to spend my own damn money?
i wasn't EXPECTING anything from him!

at least he has a phone now.
he called earlier to tell me it was working… "but so damn expensive" so he won't be calling me much.


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  1. vivdora says:

    He's probably nervous, maybe he thinks he won't live up to your expectations. Sorry you can't talk to your Mum about it, hope you can get more sleep – being a wreck won't help!x

  2. yeah. i'm just being girly and paranoid and stupid (i blame hormones)he is probably nervous, you're right.i know _I_ am…

  3. minim says:

    i'm with vivdora on this one. crossing all fingers, holding all thumbs for you.

  4. thanks, min… appreciate it.

  5. Marc is Roy says:

    Unfortunately sometime us guys aren't the most sensitive….he's just opening the mouth without thinking – I do it regularly! Inside he'll be over the moon – you will see soon 🙂

  6. Thanks – info from a "dude' is much appreciated…I know.. he's nervous.. he's worried… he doesn't know what's going to happen.. he's probably annoyed that he can't offer me anything (car/place to stay/etc)and i know he's very miserable about the whole being redeployed thing… and he doesn't know _anyone_ (hasn't met his unit yet either) and he has no internet access (except brief turns at the public access terminals on post).I know it's a lot for him to handle.. so, as i said, i love him, he loves me, and it will all work out as it's meant to… and i'm not going to sweat the little things…but thank you again for your manly input 🙂

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