Posts Tagged ‘confusion’

woke up this morning with the most horrendously sore throat.
it was so swollen and raw that i couldn't swallow. not even tea.
i am in agony.
i hope it's not my tonsils. i can't afford to have them out. i can't afford anything really. and i'm not on medical aid (obviously).
so i'm downing ecchinacia (however you bloody spell it) and vitamin C by the 1000's of mg and multi-vitamins… in the hopes it goes away.

had my last ride with Mandy and the gang this morning – rode Watchy. She was a royal pain, but was still an awesome ride – we rode on the beach and watched it go from bright blue sky to thunderclouds and horrible humid heat in the space of the hour we were out there.
no whales though.
just wish it would rain, so it would cool down. really don't enjoy the heat or the humidity. another reason i'm having second thoughts about Dubai. (besides the fact that i've received no positive responses except from people who say they would only talk to me about work when i got there – which is cool, but not very helpful)

after the ride i came home and took all my wet clothes off (Watchy was having a splash fest in the vlei – she's so sweet) and climbed under my nice soft blanket and tried to sleep. you don't realise how many times you swallow, until you have a sore throat and it's killer painful to do so. especially when trying to sleep. i managed about 40 minutes – which is brilliant, considering i didn't sleep at all the night before. at ALL.

i still have rather a lot on my mind.

i love the boy. he is my number one and nothing will change that. ever.
but i've been spending time with some _other_ wonderful people… and they are all saying that i'm actually an amazing woman and that anyone who spends any time with me can't help but adore me. how odd is that? it's not just from person (if it was, i'd be like "yeah sure, you just want to get into my pants, don't ya!") it's from … basically from EVERYONE i have met in the last few weeks… and i mean _everyone_.. even the most unlikely people… people who have nothing to gain from sucking up to me or being nice to me…
the one gentleman said that his wife (And his wife's grandmother, a korean lady) said i was "so natural and so true to myself and so _real_" that a "light shines from her eyes"… that i am an "angel"… i'm no angel. i make mistakes. i'm only human.
it's opened my eyes. to the fact that i _can_ be loved like that.for me. for who _I_ am.
i mean i KNOW that the boy loves me – no doubts about that! he has opened my HEART. wide open.
but honestly, i thought that was just… luck… just.. some divine chance that someone like him could fall for someone like me…
but now… after all this… it's like.. i feel .. amazed… and.. overwhelmed and…  i don't know what else!

i'm also thinking about my future. MY future. where i see myself. right now it's crazy, and i don't know. i'm unsure.
i know what i _want_ … but life doesn't always give us what we want, but more what we _need_…
and i don't know what i need.
so i'm scared.
and in making decisions about MY life… i don't want to hurt anyone else… which, in decisions to come, could be difficult… but it _is_ my life…

but right now i have enough on my mind, i'm not ready to go there just yet.
i've lost about 3kg in the last week or more  – stress.
broken out like a teenager. bloody sucks.
and my body is going haywire – not sleeping, hardly eating (and now with this sore throat i CAN'T eat, even if i want to.. so i'm forced to eat yoghurt!)

i hate this time of year.
hate it.

and sometimes a thought rolls around in my crazy head… and it confuses me… "what if i _had_ stayed with the boy?"
what then?
i would never have discovered all these incredible people, and the wonderful words and emotions they have sent my way, out of the blue..
my eyes would be set. focused in one place.
sometimes i don't think that's a bad thing. it would certainly be easier on my mind and body.

so anyway. took the cat to the vet for her monthly injection – and was happily asked if i could work for them for a week or so end of december, beginning jan.. which is awesome. a little weight off my mind… now i just need to get through the end of THIS month, and the beginning of december… lots of housesitting coming up… i think that's what i need. some time on my own.

just wish it would RAIN now!


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