Another farewell.

Posted: March 26, 2010 in animals, loss
Tags: , , , ,

My father sent me a message early this morning (around 6:30) while I was driving to work.
It scared the bajeebers out of me at first read – it said that my brother had died at 03:30 this morning. "Left this mortal coil".
I nearly crashed my car. my heart smacked around inside my chest for a good few seconds… looking for a way out.
But then i reread who it was from and it clicked that my grandfather (my father's father) is who my brother is named after.
So my last remaining grandparent has passed away. my mother's parents are long gone (her dad died when she was 17, and her mum about 18 years ago. 18 years. wow. has it been that long?)

I can't say that i am sad. i don't really feel anything, for me.
i feel sad for my father, as he also lost his mother a couple of years ago (i was apparently meant to "inherit" something. but nothing came of it, and i don't really want anything – it would be hypocritical of me, as i barely knew her too – that side of the family dropped us like a hot potato when my parents divorced. and that was a LONG time ago) and i feel sad for that side of the family, as they knew him, i didn't.
And, unfortunately, the only memories i have of him are not nice ones.
I remember him shouting at my brother. and telling me i was "nothing but trouble" and "disrespectful" – and not in a funny "grandfatherly" way either.and i still have no idea why he said that.
i was a good girl. i really was.
a little more independant that most, sure, but i wasn't disrespectful at all. i revered and respected authority (and still do – i wanted to be in the military for goodness sake!) even when i was little.
perhaps i said things when i should have been silent, as "good girls" were meant to be.
but one thing my mother taught me when i was young was not to be afraid to speak my mind (as long as it didn't hurt anyone) and not be afraid to be myself either.
of course i only did that until i discovered that teachers and other kids didn't really like that. they wanted you to conform. be like everyone else. unique was strange and strange was bad. and bad was a lonely road.
and intelligence was not something to flaunt.
so i shut up, shut down and pretended to be JUST smart enough to get through.
i got so used to it that it became my "normal".

until a few years ago anyway. but that's another story, for another time.

Also, auf Wiedersehen Großvater. Leb wohl. Mögest du Frieden finden, endlich.

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