making plans making plans…

still don't think i will able to make enough money to get that ticket to Hawaii in June…
i'm trying really hard… but i don't think it's going to happen…

don't think he cares, actually.

we've been kinda… miscommunicating recently.
i don't know.

but i'm Thinking Like A Boy, as was suggested.
Getting On With My Life, as i was told to.
Not Worrying About Him, as demanded.
My lesson was learnt.
Haven't told him I miss him.
Haven't told him I love him.
Not waiting online for him.
Not running after him.
Acting like I don't care.
The way he does.

but it doesn't seem to work – because now he's mad with me for being 5 minutes too late getting online.
first i'm told that i mustn't "worry about him", and that his issues/bad days are "none of my business"
so i back off.
and then i get called at 6:30am, told that he will be online "in about an hour, hour and a half"and that he's had a really "crappy godawful day"
so i go back to sleep for a little bit (not that i sleep much these days – brain too noisy) and get on at 8am, but have to help my aging dog outside (her back was a little sore, so she needed help standing up and getting outside – she's ok now) and when i come back… i get a message "thanks for being online" and he's gone offline.
how snarky.
how mean.
i was 5 minutes late.

nothing i can do about it, and i'm not apologising.

he confuses me.

but he says _I_ am strange?

a friend, who happens to be a recruiter for an international agency, has taken my cv into his careful care and is looking for international jobs for me… US specific, but also Canada, Cayman Islands…. and… Hawaii…
Not holding my breath (although he said my CV is pretty impressive – but i want photographic work, not IT related…)
but he says that their turnaround time is pretty damn quick and what's my "pack up and go timescale" ?

3 to 6 months he says is average.
I'm petrified. and i haven't told my mum yet either.

so now i wait.
should i tell the boy or not?
do i bother?
it's not a decision i made just for him…. i might not even end up near him!
I've been wanting to go overseas (to Canada more specifically) for a long time now.
i feel suffocated and boxed in here. and everything is so expensive.
i mean i LOVE what i do… but i want to expand my horizons… see what ELSE i can do with my photography…
i'm going to be famous. cocky as that sounds, i just know i am going to be.
this is what i am meant to do.
it sits right with me.

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