Posted: March 27, 2008 in emotion, military, people, relationships
Tags: , , ,

so now what?

the boy is back in hawaii
he called me (the sweet angel) to tell me he made it back alive… they flew this time, not on the bus.
explained that the medics said that his foot was actually broken already, so this was just a re-breaking of the previous injury…
he had no idea he had broken his foot at some point… weird huh?
humans can put up with a lot.
so now he says he will only be able to try out for SF again in over a year (2010)… because he has to stay off the foot and recover for 3 months or more – and that's when the next try out is in NC… 
and the rest of them leave for Germany in a few months anyway, so he'll be going there – and from there he will have 14 months deployed in Iraq again.
Stop-Loss or whatever it is.
(actually saw that there is a movie coming out called that – about soldiers etc, in Iraq – hadn't heard the phrase at all, ever, and now i've heard it twice in one day.)
but now… what do i do? i was all set to work out something to go to NC. but now what? Germany? there's even less there for me than in NC! but i HAVE to see him. i HAVE to. it's like this driving, desperate, need in me. like my heart is saying it will ALL be ok if i can just be with him. just for a moment.
i'm scared.
scared he's changed his mind about me. that he doesn't feel the same anymore.
i've had 2 weeks to stress and think – he's had 2 weeks of focus.
i'm shaking i'm so scared.
if he drops me now… my heart will break and i don't think there's any coming back after that, for me.
but at the same time… 
can it even work for us?
is it worth all the pain and anguish and longing?
i'll love him forever. i know this. 
but he's young. what if i am NOT the one for him?
would life be that cruel to me?
i don't think so…
oh i hope not.
i've had enough of this waiting.

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  1. Sean says:

    It's always spooky trying to read what's in someone elses heart, good luck, I wish the best for both of you!

  2. well it's breaking my heart a little… still no word from him since response again.

  3. Sean says:

    That's what sucks about being away from the one you care about, it gives you too much time to overthink a situation and what you're thinking about is usually based on a perception that is usually flawed in some way. My wife and I had some fairly big problems last fall and I have to stop and tell myself to stop thinking. It's not easy.

  4. the thing is i KNOW i'm over thinking.. but it doesn't stop me…

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