my little heart breaks…

Posted: February 7, 2008 in emotion, people, relationships
Tags: , , ,

things were going well with my sweet soldier boy
so well
then he went away – only 24 hours – out of contact
so firstly, i couldn't focus on work – i struggled so badly.
did NOT work at all.
turned into this emotional basket case. i missed him SO much.
then, the sweet creature he is, he got online as SOON as he got back (had been awake 24 hours, but he still got online to talk to me) and i was so happy… so ridiculously happy.
We yakked more – he was so sweet – but so tired, so he went to bed.
I was ok

then, i had such a bad day. (nothing to do with him – just various elements and things going wrong)
and i desperately needed to talk to him, be with him.
and he got online, as he always does – bright and cheerful and amazing as usual – and i had this .. horrible ache in my chest instead of being happy to see him. i ached because i like him so much. so much. and miserable because i'll never get to be with him. and he really is… just so wonderful. i've never met anyone like him. so … chilled, so easy to talk to.. so comfortable. so different from the boys i've known. i guess i was looking for the strings again. as usual.

so – i burst into tears and he said "don't worry, i'm here for you – take all the time you need"
and that's the last time i spoke to him.

he has disappeared. hasn't been online, hasn't emailed me – i got a one word answer to a text i sent.
and i totally spazzed out.  lost the plot.

usually, he would be online in the mornings (my morning, his evening). but he was "sleeping". It was still early.

now. do i take that as a "fuck off you crazy cow" or do i take it as "i was working all day and needed sleep" ?
he's usually so "wordy" – he says a lot, rather than nothing (which i like about him)…

so my heart is in anguish.  in little pieces.
if i've lost him too, due to my strange emotional outburst… i really will be broken.

so i sent an email, trying to sound lighthearted and  happy – asking him to ignore my little crazy moment.

and now i wait.

i feel sick. totally sick.

and it's all my own fault.

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